tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41433329191383830542024-03-13T12:14:51.181-05:00ThoughtsIdeas and thoughts that roam around in my brain that i feel need to be written down somewhere.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-19977932585760356752011-09-27T01:29:00.001-05:002011-09-27T01:29:30.505-05:00Rosalie Backstory (For Carnival)Rosalie.<br /><br />~I imagine her to have the last name "Duncan."<br /><br />Her parents weren't wealthy. Although, she tended to claim that they were. All her life she she wanted to be a big star. She used to dream of headlining her own show and traveling all around the world. She dreamed of falling madly in love with a rich somebody of some sort who worshiped the ground she walked on.<br /><br />~I see her living on the outskirts of Boston (for some weird reason).<br /><br />Her town was small and almost unheard of. It held little excitement. Because of this, she had high hopes and dreams of an exciting life outside of her small town.<br /><br />~I imagine her father was in the war.<br /><br />That he went off ready to fight for his country and only returned a shell of what he was. I imagine Rosalie losing touch with her father as a result of this.<br /><br />~I imagine her mother was strict.<br /><br />But I also imagine she loved Rosalie, an only child, very much. I think she tried to teach her all she knew. But most of all, she tried to teach her love. That despite all, you should stay strong for the sake of love. I think Rosalie's mother was young when she wed, and truly didn't love Rosalie's father. When it all came down to it, all she wanted was for Rosalie to have the happiness in her marriage that she never was able to experience in her own.<br /><br />~That was when the Carnival came to town.<br /><br />Things at home weren't great. Rosalie's mom gave her a little bit of money to go and see the carnival, and so she went as told. The carnival was all she imagined and more. It was different. It was exciting. It was what she had been looking for. She went off in search for something to see. I imagine her wandering around in awe; giggling at the stilt-walker, flinching at the snake charmer and gaping at the bearded lady.<br /><br />~I imagine something catching her ear.<br /><br />Shouting. yelling. Threats to leave the act. Rosalie, a curious 17 year old, crept over to an elaborate trailer labeled, 'Marco the Magnificent and the Lovely Lucinda!' in big bold lettering. She stood close to the door and waited.<br /><br /> "But Lucy..." A deep voice pleaded, "don't you see?"<br /><br /> "All i see are those beady little eyes and that devilish smile of yours. I'm through. WE'RE through. You can find yourself some other lovely assistant."<br /><br /> "Fine. Go on, Lucinda. They pay to see ME. And they'll pay to see me with anyone else."<br /><br />The door slammed open and a thin blonde woman stormed her way out of the trailer.<br /><br /> "It's MOLLY, Marco. And I'm THROUGH changing who i am to fit YOUR needs."<br /><br />Rosalie stood frozen for a few minutes while hiding behind the trailer and just out of view of Marco as he stood watching his ex-assistant stalk of.<br /><br />~I imagine her eye catching the sign.<br /><br />It was gold and royal blue, coated in glitter. She stared at it for a long moment before she felt the presence of somebody behind her.<br /><br /> "Are you coming to the show, Little Miss?"<br /><br />She spun around to see none other than Marco himself and her cheeks reddened madly.<br /><br /> "Well...I...I...don't know." she mumbled quietly while wringing her hands together in insecurity.<br /><br /> "Have you ever seen a magic show?" he smiled invitingly and Rosalie scrunched her eyebrows together.<br /><br />His smile doesn't SEEM devilish she found herself thinking.<br /><br /> "Well...no."<br /><br /> "Ahh... then you must stick around for the show."<br /><br /> "I might." She said trying to sound sure of herself in that brief moment.<br /><br />Marco winked her way and left her then amongst the crowds of people.<br /><br />She found that her heart was beating rapidly as she watched him walk away.<br /><br />~I imagine her staying for the show.<br /><br />Rosalie decided to stand towards the back of the crowd; her arms crossed and her eyes wide with wonder.<br /><br /> "Volunteers! Could i get a few volunteers?" He walked around the crowd choosing a few older women and a man. Just then he stopped at shy Rosalie. "Little Miss..." He breathed and offered his hand out for her.<br /><br />Shaking, she took it and proceeded to follow him to the front of the crowd where the other volunteers waited. Magic trick after magic trick, Marco astounded the crowd and provoked applause after roaring applause.<br /><br />When it came to Rosalie's turn, she smiled her widest smile with the determination to show the crowd, and especially Marco, that she wasn't just some insecure little girl.<br /><br /> "And you mademoiselle, what is your name?"<br /><br /> "Rosalie. Rosalie Duncan."<br /><br /> "Rosalie... What a... beautiful name."<br /><br />She smiled a big smile and looked out towards the crowd while shifting her stance to have a more aligned posture.<br /><br /> "Such a beautiful name deserves a most beautiful flower, don't you think?"<br /><br />She felt her heart skip a beat and she nodded her head.<br /><br />With a flick of his wrist, a bright red rose appeared in his hand and he handed it to Rosalie who looked quite shocked herself at such an impressive, and yet very simple, trick.<br /><br /> "An incomparable rose for the incomparable Rosalie." He said before winking once again and escorting her back into the sea of people.<br /><br />~I imagine she stayed after the show.<br /><br />She was holding the rose tightly between her fingers and smelling it every so often.<br /><br />Incomparable.... He called me incomparable.<br /><br /> "Little Miss?" Marco asked as he saw her standing alone by his trailer.<br /><br /> "Mr. Magnificent-"<br /><br /> "Please," he took her hand and gently kissed it. "call me Marco...."<br /><br /> "M-Marco..."<br /><br />She stared deep into his glimmering eyes and found in them her reflection.<br /><br /> "Did you enjoy the show?"<br /><br /> "Very much so. It must be fun to travel everywhere with your very own act."<br /><br /> "It is. But you see, it can get... very lonely."<br /><br /> "But... you had your own partner to keep you company. Didn't you?"<br /><br /> "Lucinda. Yes. But Lucinda wasn't what i needed. She wasn't what i wanted. She couldn't command a stage the way a lovely assistant should... The way you did just now." <br /><br />Rosalie found her cheeks getting hotter.<br /><br /> "You think so?"<br /><br /> "I know so Rosalie." he said while carefully taking both of her hands. "How would you like to be my new assistant? Travel the world... see beautiful things... be a start... all with me."<br /><br /> "Oh... well i don't know."<br /><br /> "You wouldn't regret it."<br /><br /> "I don't think i would.<br /><br /> "I promise."<br /><br />Just then she realized how dark it was outside.<br /><br /> "I should be getting home."<br /><br /> "But the carnival isn't even over yet."<br /><br /> "My mother might worry."<br /><br /> "But not if you were in the company of a fine gentleman. And i AM a find gentleman... don't you think?"<br /><br /> "Oh, of course Mr. Marco."<br /><br /> "Why don't you join me in my trailer for a while. I can tell you stories from all around the world. We can eat a little food and drink a little wine. I can tell you of the things you would do if you so chose to be my lovely assistant."<br /><br /> "Incomparable."<br /><br /> "Pardon?"<br /><br />she reached up to her hair and pulled the rose from her dark locks.<br /><br /> "You called me incomparable."<br /><br /> "Incomparable..." he repeated in deep concentration. "The Incomparable Rosalie."<br /><br />Her name spoken on his lips sent her stomach to tie and twist up into knots.<br /><br /> "I like it. Nay, I love it. Marco the Magnificent and the Incomparable Rosalie! We would make such a great pair." His voice softened as his eyes bore deep into her own. "A truly... great pair."<br /><br />~I imagine they didn't talk very long once in Marco's trailer.<br /><br />Rosalie was so in awe of Marco. His every word, his every gesture and wink and smile.<br /><br />The way he looked at her.<br /><br />The way he spoke her name.<br /><br />Rosalie... The Incomparable Rosalie....<br /><br />She could barely think. She could hardly say no. And once all was said and done... she didn't regret a thing.<br /><br />At least, she didn't think she did.<br /><br />His kisses were unlike anything she'd every felt and through it all, Rosalie truly felt that she could love Marco.<br /><br />She very well could.<br /><br />As she gathered her things she blushed in insecurity at Marco who lay on his bed with a cigarette in hand and a melody humming from his lips.<br /><br /> "I'll be right back..." she mumbled.<br /><br /> "And I'll be right here, Rosalie." He smiled after blowing a puff of smoke up into the air. "I won't leave without you."<br /><br />~I bet she ran home.<br /><br />Her thoughts were spinning and while she didn't want to leave her mother, she knew she'd understand.<br /><br />After all, hadn't she been the one who always told her to risk everything; to risk it all for love?<br /><br />~I imagine her walking in the door of her house.<br /><br />Her mother was asleep and her father as well. She ran up the stairs frantically. Her eyes darted around in a mad hunt for exactly what she'd need with her. Grabbing her matching set of blue suitcases, she threw in all she could think of. Make-up box. Curlers. Dresses. Hats. Jewelry. The suitcases looked jumbled and a mess, but she didn't care. She made her way down the stairs and found herself halted in the kitchen.<br /><br />Fumbling through the drawers, she found a sheet of paper and a very dull pencil.<br /><br /> Mother and Father,<br /><br /> I went to risk it all for love.<br /><br /> One day you will see my name in bright lights.<br /><br /> Until then,<br /><br /> Rosalie<br /><br />Carefully placing the paper on the sink counter, she left her childhood home feeling more of a woman than she'd ever felt before.<br /><br />~It was strange, I think, for Rosalie to walk back into the carnival.<br /><br />The lights illuminated the trailers and tents, and shadowed figures moved about. It took her only moments to find Mr. Marco's trailer. Once she knocked, a series of mumblings and fumblings occurred throughout the trailer until the door finally sprang open.<br /><br /> "You... You came back." He sounded out of breath and in mid-panic.<br /><br /> "And you stayed." She smiled completely oblivious.<br /><br /> "Didn't I promise?"<br /><br />~Traveling seems to be like it would be Rosalie's favorite part.<br /><br />The rumors, however; bothered her significantly.<br /><br /> "...a new one every night..."<br /><br /> "...there was that one exception though..."<br /><br /> "...Casanova..."<br /><br /> "...charming..."<br /><br /> "Cheater."<br /><br />That was the worst one.<br /><br />It was also the one that bothered her the most.<br /><br />Up until her first year with the carnival, Rosalie felt truly loved.<br /><br />Each night was full of bliss...<br /><br />and empty promises.<br /><br /> "When Marco?" she would ask.<br /><br /> "Soon, Darling..." he would reply.<br /><br />Always the same go around.<br /><br />Always the same routine.<br /><br />Always, always him.<br /><br />Always with another girl.<br /><br />Always.<br /><br />That was when she decided to leave (for the first time).<br /><br />She could stop in New York, just on the outskirts of the big city. After a,sh was still young. And when she looked in the mirror... well, she THOUGHT she looked beautiful.<br /><br /> "Marco," she told him, "Marco I've had enough."<br /><br /> "Enough of what, Rosalie Darling?"<br /><br /> "Don't you 'Rosalie Darling' me. I've had ENOUGH. Enough of the act. Enough of the other women. Enough of YOU."<br /><br /> "Come now, Rosalie. You don't mean that."<br /><br /> "Oh, but i do." she stood in the doorway strong and powerful. "I'm getting off in New York. Then, you are on your own."<br /><br />Marco stood up from the table and turned to face the dark-haired beauty.<br /><br /> "Rosalie," he purred as he took a few steps toward her. "How could you do that? I thought... i thought you loved me."<br /><br />her face softened slightly.<br /><br /> "I...I...Marco that isn't the point. You keep promising to marry me. That we'll set up the whole thing up at the next stop and then the next stop comes... and nothing. We stay in our trailer and the moment I'm gone, i find you an hour later with some girl. I can't keep it up, Marco. No matter... no matter how much i love you."<br /><br />His hand found her almost as quickly as his lips had.<br /><br />And that...<br /><br />like every other time...<br /><br />ended that.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-21185010105452069652011-04-25T00:01:00.000-05:002011-04-25T00:02:57.215-05:00Poem: "Flightless" by meRipping <br />3 way taste<br />A 3 way tussle<br />Littering our floor<br />With shattered hearts<br />And shattered dreams<br />That lost their magic<br />Once the world grew too dark.<br />Such foolish eyes and mustered courage<br />Led the dream astray to die.<br />Like flightless birds, we struggle on the ground<br />Because we're too afraid to try. Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-40511076721451736852011-04-24T23:56:00.000-05:002011-04-24T23:57:54.669-05:00Poem: "Daisies" by meA dull faded sunlight<br />Dripping drops of confidence from dew<br />An earth turning slowly<br />To the beat of a metronome<br />A heart torn in two. <br />Blossoms of anguish<br />Tear up through your skin<br />Sprouting daisy buds through your flesh to surround you<br />In the sunset colored love<br />That you asked for all along.<br />Eyes squinting to see<br />The chains holding you to the ground<br />Like roots embedded in lush soil<br />That help you grow and yet, consume<br />Watch it consume you. <br />Under crisp air and harsh light;<br />Under plenishing rain you thrive<br />And yet-<br />You wither under the uncertainty<br />Of tomorrow's droughtful day. Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-60190949182202355192011-04-13T13:24:00.002-05:002011-04-13T13:35:01.481-05:00Help?i have spent TOO MUCH MONEY. <br />i still need money for gas<br />i need to somehow find a green t-shirt for tomorrow <br />i need to buy black capris and a black shirt for grease<br />i need to have money to pay caleb back for the over 100 dollars i owe him<br />i need to have money to pay for dinner at prom<br />i need to have money to pay my mom for my cellphone bill<br />I DON'T HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY. <br /><br />i paid 107 bucks today to get my car out of a ditch<br />i paid 5 bucks for my lunch because i can't eat here at school and stick to my diet<br />i paid 6 bucks for food for someone who i love dearly but i can't afford it right now and when i volunteered, i could.<br />i paid money for my grease tshirt<br />i paid money for my grease script<br />i paid money for my grease jacket<br />i paid money for freaking EVERYTHING and it just keeps getting worse. <br /><br />on the other hand,<br />i like these people with girlfriends and they are quite happy with them so WHY do i bother?<br />i'll TELL you why i bother. i bother because in one case, his girlfriend treats him like SHIT. she is a HORRIBLE girlfriend. she teases him, she tells him what to do, she has him WHIPPED and he doesn't do anything about it. he just goes a long with it and i BET you i can tell you why. <br />i bet he does it because he is COMFORTABLE just like everyone else i know in screwed up relationships. <br />"Oh, we've been together for years, so that must mean i should just TAKE IT."<br />jesus. <br /><br />the other i don't really have a reason for i guess. but it's just frustrating. <br /><br />all these people can get boyfriends and girlfriends and whatever and be happy<br />and here i am<br />losing weight so i can look SEMI-ATTRACTIVE<br />working my BUTT OFF trying to make myself better in every aspect <br />i'm a nice person<br />i care a lot about people<br />but NOTHING. NADA. <br />nobody wants anything to do with me because i'm always some friend. just the friend. the funny one. the NOBODY. <br /><br />in other news, <br />i'm ALWAYS sick. <br />in the past three weeks, i've had<br />a sinus infection<br />an ear infection<br />strep throat<br />AND pink eye. <br />now, i can't hear out of my left ear properly, and the left side of my throat KILLS any time i swallow and any time i talk or yawn or basically EXIST. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />WHY. seriously. why. everything i plan... it gets jumbled and stupid and confused and i just feel like i'm lost and alone and nobody cares. <br />my depression has started to act up again and i'm not gonna lie when i say i've fought off those urges so many times telling myself,<br />people in grease will notice. <br />my mom will notice<br />everyone will notice and i'll just get YELLED at like i always do and nobody will help me. nobody ever helps me. <br /><br />it's like i've disapeared and i'm struggling. <br /><br />i just don't understand why nobody wants to help or notices to help. <br />what's worse, is yesterday i realized i don't have any kind of confidant. <br />everyone that i have been close to is either out of reach, we've faded in our relationships or some other stupid reason. i have nobody to tell all this to and nobody who will understand all of it. <br /><br />i just don't know what to do.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-52409690180613283672011-04-13T12:12:00.000-05:002011-04-13T12:21:49.083-05:00Cupidhug the earth and kiss the ground<br />make way for all<br />the tears around<br />to flourish and bloom<br />then fade away<br />endless dreaming<br />wasted day of colors and skies<br />of dreams too soon<br />fragrent flashes<br />of deepening gloom<br />silly melodies of words unsung<br />the hearts that crumbled<br />under hard touches and tightening grips<br />on cupid's poisened arrow tips<br />love and devotion <br />go hand in hand<br />but they fight the precautions and destroy the plan<br />dance in the light<br />but don't open your eyes<br />his poisen can hide<br />in your butterflies.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-83577570852918721232011-04-11T22:49:00.000-05:002011-04-11T23:07:10.231-05:00New Thoughts on Disneyshe waits in a daze<br />in a haze at the window<br />on the wall<br />staring back at the failures<br />that allowed her to fall<br /><br />dreary drops of untouched dew<br />smear her makeup<br />under drooping eyelids<br />held open for the promise of <br />a prince to come for her too. <br /><br />standstill clocks, hands unmoved with<br />slender fingers clutching the <br />dried petals of<br />the dreams she once held onto <br />tied to the string of the balloon she let go of long ago<br />when she gave away her heart<br />to become one more rejected cartoon. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />don't waste your songs<br />on an aged dream that lost it's magic<br />when i lost you<br /><br />or rather, the dream of you<br />distilled and dry to the tongue<br />the tip of it gracing my lips<br />when you used to sing that song<br /><br />of notes filled with promise<br />of notes too soon forgotten with the fog that held you up <br />you're lost<br />amidst the dreams i let go of too soon. <br /><br />amidst the air that supplied us with hopes and dreams of a love we let go of too soon. <br />of the love we let go of too soon. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i often wonder<br />what it would be like<br />to be her and not me. <br />i often wonder<br />what life would be like<br />to be wanted like her. <br />i often wonder what i did<br />to deserve to be alone. <br />i often wonder why my life<br />can't be etched in some disney campagin<br />full of love<br />and harmonies<br />and characters that the world can't get enough of. <br />that i can't get enough of. <br />how could you let me down? <br />how could you let me fall so fast before the hormones set it?<br />before the colors soaked into my skin <br />absorbed every lie you fed me as a child. <br />and here i am, waiting<br />for all your sick little promises. <br /><br /><br />until now, nothing i've written was good. but this... this i like: <br /><br />“Being alone was never something I asked for, <br />not something i thrived to be.<br />Id rather be a tree:<br />strong and rooted to what it knows<br />to what it thrives off of. <br />I’d rather be so tall <br />that i could almost touch the sky<br />and be so close to flying<br />but never able to fall."<br /><br /><br />'least i got something good out of this.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-46332635679344061892011-01-05T15:12:00.000-06:002011-01-05T15:13:12.687-06:00"Fairytale of Sorts", Written by Me.Once upon a time there was a girl born with a fairy’s heart and soul beneath her skin. She was kind and loving and always used kind words to help whenever she could. Yet, the pure soul inside her was covered by thick hair and bubbling moles all over her body. She was trapped inside the body of a horrifying creature. Her teeth were so large and sharp that she never smile and her laugh was so thunderous and booming that she refused to laugh. Encasing her pure soul was a solid flesh that left her heavy and tied down not to mention bulbous to the eye. <br />She never understood why she wasn’t like all the other children in her village, why her parents never let her leave the confines of her near broken home and why her sister wouldn’t speak to her.<br />On a cold day in the middle of the night, she stole away to the village to look at the world under the night’s shadow. <br /> “The world is so beautiful…” she wondered as she walked across the gravel road beneath her black boots. She longed to fit in and be a part of the world everyone shut her out of. <br />It wasn’t until the sun rose just enough that she could see her reflection in the water of the brick well in the center of the village. <br /> “Hellish fiend!”<br /> “Such a vile creature!”<br /> “A demon!”<br /> “Kill it! Kill it!” yelled the townspeople as they caught eye of the girl while she tried to plea for forgiveness for entering their unchanged village she clearly didn’t belong in. <br /> “Please,” she cried, “I will hurt no one!”<br />But they continued to yell their words towards her heart that was so big and so fragile it nearly burst. <br /> “How cruel can you all be? I’m just like you! I’m a person, too!” she shouted until a familiar voice rang louder and high above the townspeople’s cries. <br /> “Let’s be rid of this monster!” the voice yelped.<br />The girl’s eyes widened with shock and then flooded with hot salty tears. <br /> “Mother…?” she mumbled as her mother’s recognizable blonde hair bobbed towards her from the crowd of shouting villagers. <br /> “She isn’t one of us!” her mother said as she tore off the sleeve of her daughter’s milky white dress. After a bark of applause and yips of joy, the girl’s sister stepped forth and a sigh of relief escaped the girl’s lips. <br /> “Ahh… sister…” <br />But her sister only smiled a wicked smile and tore off the other of the sleeves. <br /> “Different.” She stated as a plague of agreements swarmed the air. <br /> “Father!” the girl cried out begging for someone, anyone to bring an end to this madness.<br />As if her prayer had been answered, her father stepped forward to the head of the crowd standing proudly in front of her. For a long moment he stood still as stone and overlooked the silent stricken mass of bodies before him. In one quick pivot, he twisted to face his daughter with a hurt and lost expression in his eyes; his look near distant and unattached. <br />All it took was one swift movement to rip off the remainder of her clothes that had been the only thing keeping the girl as human as possible, despite her shocking looks. <br /> “A… a monster.” Her father whispered faintly as he left her to face the village as bare as a baby; her every flaw visible to the wide eyes that surrounded her and looked over every detail that she had grown to accept. <br />The girl had become numb. Her body, flawed and broken stood still as the townspeople swarmed her with pitchforks, rocks, knives and axes. She felt nothing but air hit her skin as they beat her until the hair on her body was sticky and thick with her crimson blood.<br />Instead, it was her father who took in her pain. As he watched the townspeople beat his kin until her last breath escaped her lips, he absorbed each fatal blow they threw. His eyes poured thick tears that his daughter no longer could shed and he fell to his knees, but the world never noticed. <br />For the world, though beautiful and flawed, doesn’t stop turning for all those who are the same- no –the world only notices those who are different and thus, takes its action. <br />The world left the girl’s father to cry over his unrecognizable daughter he had let down. The world left him to live his life until he died of old age and a broken heart. <br />But the world absorbed his daughter’s body as it rotted in the center of the village and for the first time in all her thirteen years, the girl felt like she finally belonged somewhere. <br />The End.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-36242975409188877202010-12-30T23:42:00.000-06:002010-12-31T00:15:34.929-06:00I'm All MiXeD up.i don't know how i feel right now.<br />the news is happy. the news is freakaleaking grand.<br />and here i sit. feeling my heart break.<br /><br />i have never been able to entirely explain my feelings.<br />in a way, i am happy. it's all they wanted. its all they could want and get.<br />but... in the same way i am jealous. which is dumb cuz i'm pretty young to be jealous. but with how screwed up my system is... i may never be as lucky as they're about to be. and it'll kill me. if i cant get it myself.<br />and...<br />and more so...<br />i'm sad.<br />cuz i know this will be the staple in the relationship. not that i ever really had a chance anyways.<br /><br />i want to fly.<br />i want to fly the sky and see the world from the clouds. i want to be wise and know the things others dont. i want god to point his finger and show me where to go and tell me why in whispers through all my dreams...<br /><br />i want to be known all around the world.<br />i want to be loved and to love...<br /><br />maybe it really bothers me so much because i want to keep them to myself. a small little hope that i'll be lucky enuf to get a shot...b ut i can't so idk why i'm fretting. i didn't have a chance.<br />i just know everyone has to grow up. everyone gets married and has a family.<br />but why them? why do people have to grow up?<br />i just... don't get it.<br /><br />why?<br /><br />i gues si don't know what any of this means... and i'll probably delete this blog later. but i felt like i needed to express this.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-14243255203728102792010-11-28T21:43:00.000-06:002010-11-28T21:45:45.464-06:00Through Shuttersthrough shutters<br />i see him<br />the way i imagine him<br />the way i'd like him to be.<br /><br />through blinders i listen<br />to the words of the wind<br />promising things to me.<br /><br />through shutters i see him<br />jagged and shaken<br />with every step he takes.<br /><br />through blinders i listen <br />and see the vision<br />i clearly know is fake. <br /><br /><br /><br />written by Lindsey Johnston on the 21st of November, 2010Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-55422480179005360732010-11-28T21:28:00.000-06:002010-11-28T23:30:27.390-06:00Fond Memories.Ever have that memory that never really goes away?<br />the kind of experience where you find a family that you love almost more than your own family? where you look at your life NOW compared to how it was THEN and think... "I'd do anything to go back and relive that month OVER AND OVER again..."?<br />i do. <a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_D2YrH_mk0VM/TPMe1vHKrMI/AAAAAAAAACE/U1P5AgYMrUg/s1600/111.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544809474751638722" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_D2YrH_mk0VM/TPMe1vHKrMI/AAAAAAAAACE/U1P5AgYMrUg/s320/111.jpg" /></a><br />Welcome to "The Wizard of Oz," presented by my local community theatre on October 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9, and 10th. This was my very first community theatre performance. being in this is probably... 4th on my list:<br /><div><div><div><div><div><div><div><div><div><div><div> </div><div>6.)Prarie Fire Theatre </div><div>5.)High School Theatre</div><div>4.)Community Theatre</div><div>3.)Le Hommideu (spelling sucks) Theatre</div><div>2.)Guthrie/Ordway/Orphieum type Theatre</div><div>1.)Broadway/Movies</div><div> </div><div>so when i was cast as Miss Gultch/The Wicked Witch (yea, the green one :D), it was almost like a dream coming true!<br /></div><div>now- i've had other dreams come true. for example: <br />being in carolers! for TWO YEARS which is HARD when you're a girl! note the picture on the right. NOTE: i'm the one in the teal in the front row <a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_D2YrH_mk0VM/TPMrMpShBUI/AAAAAAAAACc/PqX2My2ffdk/s1600/149602_1668236715440_1522984456_31613903_5813577_n.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 218px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544823062465152322" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_D2YrH_mk0VM/TPMrMpShBUI/AAAAAAAAACc/PqX2My2ffdk/s320/149602_1668236715440_1522984456_31613903_5813577_n.jpg" /></a></div><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_D2YrH_mk0VM/TPMxY1NnhVI/AAAAAAAAACs/3E-nXqoUdbc/s1600/wizard%2Bof%2Boz%2B037.jpg"></a></div></div></div><p>so that was definitely a dream come true. but this year was all about being in the AAAA. and as a LEAD. when i walked into that audition, i expected to be like, a munchkin or something because i'm 5'1" but instead, i found out that i was cast as THE WICKED WITCH of the freaking WEST. i screamed. </p><p>then, i learned all the fun things. blocking. worked on lines. more blocking. more working on lines. then the make up and costumes and props and sets (ha, styrofoam!) and then the whole show run throughs, all in preparation for the shows which i was beyond excited to be a part of. </p><p>when i look back on it, yes, the rehersals were fun. yes, the blocking was...well...blocking. but it wasnt until the costumes/makeup happened when everything started to become real fun. </p><p>my fondest memories take place in the makeup room during the fun times of before the run throughs/showtimes where everyone was in makeup chairs drinking gypsy tea to save our voices and using throat spray like it was candy. my fondest memories take place as my favorite make up people EVER coated me in green as my anxiety skyrocketed to whether i'd have enough time to get down to make my cue or not. more memories yet come from intermission where we crowded in the make up room for touch ups and swiped cookies not to mention oodles of crazy pictures like a few of these below: </p><p><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 150px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544835183524586850" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_D2YrH_mk0VM/TPM2OLwSJWI/AAAAAAAAADM/tay5cqa29O8/s200/wizard%2Bof%2Boz%2B046.jpg" /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 150px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544836908170915730" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_D2YrH_mk0VM/TPM3ykkAr5I/AAAAAAAAADk/lRvN9OfeNFk/s200/wizard%2Bof%2Boz%2B045.jpg" /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 150px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544836489023854274" border="0" alt="" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_D2YrH_mk0VM/TPM3aLHkFsI/AAAAAAAAADc/6IP3K4iE2g0/s200/wizard%2Bof%2Boz%2B051.jpg" /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 150px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544836038982659138" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_D2YrH_mk0VM/TPM2_-lYbEI/AAAAAAAAADU/9cYJpC3Xbe4/s200/wizard%2Bof%2Boz%2B010.jpg" /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 200px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 150px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544833882612703298" border="0" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_D2YrH_mk0VM/TPM1CdeuIEI/AAAAAAAAADE/4jrbvmzLnrA/s200/wizard%2Bof%2Boz%2B043.jpg" /><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 146px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 201px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5544832605784561314" border="0" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_D2YrH_mk0VM/TPMz4I7K1qI/AAAAAAAAAC8/_hqUlu24Cdo/s200/wizard%2Bof%2Boz%2B037.jpg" /> these pictures represent just a FEW of the greatest memories i could ever have. i will ALWAYS look back at this show with some of the happiest memories of my life. times when after practice, we'd go to hunan and goof off like crazy idiots, me, dorothy and the tinman. times when we'd screw up the entire show on prank night by doing the whole first scene in gangsta lingo. </p><p>so...today...when i was flipping through the channels on television and ran across The Wizard of Oz, i couldn't help but feel my heart almost break. and so i decided to watch it, thinking i could handle it. </p><p>to my suprise, during "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," i burst into tears, crying some of the hardest i ever had. because when that song played, i remembered the last show. i remembered our dorothy's eyes watering as she sang it, and mine watering backstage as our tinman and lion and scarecrow prepared our crazy piece of crap wagon to bring onstage. i remember climbing onto my evil bike and blinking back tears realizing this was the last time any of this would be happeneing. that after this show, it was all over. </p><p>i realized... that anytime i hear this music, i'll think of our pit, of having OUR actor's voices talking over it. i'll never hear judy garland anymore...or any of the other actors.</p><p>i miss my family.</p><p>my oz family. </p><p>and i'd do anything to go back. </p><p>at least i can say i have some of the fondest memories i'll ever have. </p><p>and i'm glad i was once able to have a journey somewhere over the rainbow.</p><p> </p></div></div></div></div></div></div></div>Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-48903144551364664362010-11-17T11:47:00.001-06:002010-11-17T12:09:29.307-06:00Bullying Overkill?i'm really sick of the bullying issue that's going around. <br />everyone is all, "bullying, bullying, bullying. we need to stop bullying." <br />but that's only because kids have been killing themselves lately. <br /><br />why does it take something like that to get people to open their eyes?<br /><br />today in my advisory, we talked about bullying. watched a ridiculous video about it that our school media class made. <br />know something funny?<br />the people in the video were all popular. kids who DO the bullying. <br />isn't that ironic?<br /><br />i found myself in rage when i watched a kid who bullies people all the time talk about how we should stop. <br />i found myself near tears when i heard two of the bullies in my class talk of how people need to not take things so seriously. <br /><br />know something? <br />people who get offended easily haven't had it easy. there's a REASON why they take things personally and it's simply because in the past they've been hurt and their confidence has been ripped out. <br />"people are just joking"<br />well is it FUNNY?! who's laughing besides you!?<br />"people need to have some confidence."<br />well, that's hard when its been ripped out by people like you.<br />"they need to tell someone."<br />who wants to be the tattle tale? the moment they get in trouble, guess who gets teased even more? that's right. the 'tattle tale.'<br /><br />people have this big idea of what they THINK bullying is. <br />they think it's slamming people into lockers and saying hurtful things to peoples faces. <br />that's elementary bullying. <br />when you get older, you learn how to TRULY bully people. <br />i'd rather be beaten black and blue than have a rumor started about me. <br />i'd rather be yelled at in my face than find out what my 'best friend' has been telling everyone. <br />i'd rather be dead than take all that abuse that eats away my innards until i'm nothing but a shell walking around in hopes that one day it'll all be over. <br /><br />people don't GET bullying. they don't understand that bullying is as simple as saying behind someones back, "she's such a bitch."<br />bullying is as simple as, "did you see her invite herself to that party?"<br />bullying is as simple as, "she shouldn't be eating all that."<br />bullying is simple. its inside the box. <br /><br />to truly stop bullying, everyone needs to open their eyes. <br />you don't know what can offend people when it all comes down to it because in all reality, you don't know what is going down behind closed doors. <br />maybe she's getting beaten and molested by her dad back home<br />maybe he's dealing drugs to save money for his mom<br />maybe she's cutting to deal with how worthless she feels<br />maybe he over eats because its the only thing he can control<br />maybe her parents fight nonstop until she falls asleep crying<br />maybe he's dying inside and nobody is noticing...<br />maybe its the end of the line for that person you're sitting next to and not paying one ounce of attention to. <br /><br />its easy to be invisible. <br />but it's hard to pay attention. <br /><br />if its one thing i've learned from all my experience with bullying, its that justice has nothing to do with it. you can tell all you want and they get slapped ovetr the hand.<br />"don't do that" they say. <br />but they do it anyways. just more carefully. they know when to because they know when theyre being watched. <br /><br />truth of the matter you ask?<br />its this, so listen up. <br />nobody cares. <br />truthfully, nobody fucking cares. <br />you can fight back when you get mad for all their rude comments and guess who gets the sympathy?<br />the kid with the black eye. <br />you can yell at someone for ripping your esteem out of your system and guess who gets the "its okays?"<br />the kid laughing as you yell.<br />you can do all you want to try and save yourself but in the end... <br />you give up. <br />THAT'S why people commit suicide from bullying. <br />its because they look at the world that's supposed to be there for them and catch them when they fall only to realize they're letting them slip between the spaces of their fingers. <br /><br />would i commit suicide?<br />maybe. as of now, no. <br />but i've thought about it. and i know where the kids are coming from. <br /><br />so to all those being bullied?<br />you aren't alone.<br />hang in there.<br />i know it's cliched and said a lot... but it'll get better. <br />eventually. <br />i cant say when and i cant say how... but don't listen. numb your ears and close your eyes. focus on your family or a book or a movie or a song. focus on someone or something else. because when you're all alone... life is fucking hell. i've been there. sometimes i still AM there. <br />keep your chin up. and i know from experience that all it takes is for one person to truly care. to show interest. to show you're wanted. <br />YOU. ARE. AMAZING. <br />don't let ANYONE drag you down. if they need to pick on you to make themselves feel better, LET THEM because you're just HELPING them. then, go home and HELP YOURSELF. you're WORTH IT. to someone. TO ME. you're worth it to ME otherwise i wouldn't be sitting here wasting my time writing a blog about it. <br />you hear me? <br />YOU'RE WORTH IT TO ME. <br /><br />this isn't the end. bullying will always be there to shove its finger in your face and tell you you're not worth it. <br />the trick? is listening to that one person out there who cares. <br /><br />you never know who could just be waiting to listen. <br /><br />love, <br />LindseyPolkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-33336281090345175542010-10-30T21:00:00.000-05:002010-10-30T21:29:51.430-05:00Feelings.i have no one to talk to who REALLY gets it. <br /><br />either, i can't complain to them cuz i feel guilty cuz their life is WAY worse than mine... <br />or we aren't close anymore<br />or they don't understand<br />or they start yelling at me cuz they don't understand<br />or they simply just don't understand.<br />or they say i'm crazy.<br /><br />sure. imma crazy. i hate being ignored and IMMA crazy. i hate being jealous and IMMA crazy. i hate being alone inside my room crying until fucking 1 am every morning and IMMA CRAZY! <br /><br />i can't let anyone know how i feel. i can't even tell myself. <br /><br />i can't tell god cuz i keep doubting he's there. which is dumb... but i can't help it. <br /><br />i can't tell my mom cuz she's a sad sack of complaints and always has to have a worse life than me even when all i need is a hug. <br /><br />i can't tell anyone. cuz i don't even know what i'd say.<br /><br />i just know i feel like going away. vanishing. not existing. because if i didn't exist, everything would be more simple. <br /><br />the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay. <br />i know i'm good for something i just havent found it yet<br />and i need it. <br /><br />wings wouldn't help me. swinging wouldn't help me. nothing would help me cuz nothing makes sense anymore. <br /><br />i looked at a paper and a pen i was holding the other day and i couldn't find ONE WORD to write down. i've tried writing poems, and stories and anything else i can find... and i can't find anything. <br /><br />its like i look inside myself... and there's nothing left. nothing left that is tangable or able to be put into words.<br /><br />and i have no one to go to. i don't have anyone who understands and not because they're bad friends or anything even CLOSE to that. its just... i don't know how i'm feeling. <br /><br />hopeless<br />broken<br />worthless<br />alone<br />unloved<br />uncared for<br />waste of space<br />unwanted<br /><br />all of the above and more.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />its funny how one event can trigger a feeling. <br />or multiple for that matter. how one thing can make you suddenly feel like there really is nothing better than this and nothing left to live for or strive towards. <br /><br />its funny how i can not wish to die.... but simply to disapear for a day and have no obligations. no homework. no play. no carolers. no choir. no work. no sleep. no anything. <br />no memories to hold me down<br />no feelings to keep me stuck in some rut.<br />just nothing. <br />absolutely nothing. <br /><br />a blank mind.<br />a blank canvas.<br />a blank everything. <br /><br />because if there's nothing to think about<br />and no people to influence me<br />or anything.<br />things are fine. <br />everything will be fine..... <br /><br /><br />"Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and i feel so ugly. i know i am. i must be. whenever my friends and i go out and we meet a guy he always likes my friend. sometimes i don't even like him, i just want him to like me because they never do. <br /><br />i don't know what's so ugly about me. when i look in the mirror i always think i look okay. but nobody else ever does. which means i must be really repulsively ugly and i'm just too concieted to see it. <br /><br />this one time i was walking down the street with my friends in my nice clothes and this car drove past and these 2 guys yelled out the window, 'needs a diet and a haircut!' they made me want to crawl into a hole and never show my face again. <br />just never show my ugly face again."<br />-my monologue from theatre<br /><br />there isn't much left to hold onto anymore. <br /><br />how do you hold onto the intangeable? when everything else fades away and you're simply left with yourself... how do you survive?<br /><br />thats it. you don't. <br />and maybe i shouldn't either.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-52698519780591275312010-08-03T02:22:00.001-05:002010-08-03T02:22:37.258-05:00All I Ever WantedIt's eating at my brain <br />At my soul. <br />At my skin.<br />Tearing thick flesh from the sanity that once held it together. <br />A deep breath cannot turn time back or take back the steps I took so boldly in the direction I never knew would bring us here. <br />Bring us to destruction and thorough baronness that surrounded every mistake I ever tried to forget. <br />I lost the things I worked for<br />And I longed for the past with each footstep I made on her heart. <br />All I ever wanted<br />Needed<br />Yearned for<br />Was in the love I once saw so clearly. It stared me in the face to my soul and back and I knew it was true no matter the selfish doubts my untamed lips spewed. <br />It tore us apart. <br />My unkept secrets to the trembling of a hidden hand. <br />The quickened thumps of a heartbeat. <br />And maybe that's all we'll ever be. <br />Memories. <br />Things I hold onto tighter than gold or life. <br />Memories- The one thing that won't change on me. <br />Because I ruin everything else. <br />But a memory- you can't touch a memory. <br /><br />Thus- I can't ruin all we had. <br />I can only ruin what we have. <br />Which sadly, is now nothing. <br /><br />I no longer yearn to strangle words from you or to beg for the three words I know won't pass your lips for me anymore. No matter how hard it pulls at my heartstrings, I must learn to accept that sad consequence. <br /><br />:: <br /><br />All I ever wanted I had for a short time. Etched on every wall it will remain. Memories of things I so long to return to. But can't. <br /><br />Oh how I love to hold the intangable. Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-31800475218352208412010-07-22T14:51:00.000-05:002010-07-22T14:55:13.401-05:00June.This tree, once rich with honey <br />once strong by nature <br />once beautiful by wind and bursts of laughter <br />has sunken with the sun. <br />It's leaves, once lush with dew <br />now cloud earth's ground with flakey amber <br />with dusty color. <br />And everlasting dull<br />that succumbed the tree. <br />It's limbs extend outward <br />to maybe graze the blue sky with the tips of it's fingers...<br />They're bare. Unable to thrive. <br />And in the middle of the heated day<br />that surrounds it on this morn <br />haunts every hope of an oncoming birth. <br />For it's hot <br />and humid <br />and sticky with dry laughter <br />yet it's bloom never arives <br />amidst the sun of June.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-34926919043949020312010-07-16T03:55:00.001-05:002010-07-16T03:55:49.207-05:00Nobody's Perfect.You know how that saying that Hannah Montana way over used in her song? That line that goes, "Everybody makes mistakes/everybody has those days." you know. The song, "Nobody's Perfect." <br /><br />I think that songs wrong. <br /><br />I think, there are those people out there that really DONT make mistakes. Mistakes just happen to them. They don't cause them, but they are the ones the mistakes happen to and effect. <br /><br />I feel this way...because I've met someone like that. <br />A great girl. Big heart. Huge love. One of the most loving and kindest people one could....ever meet. But all these things happened to her. Things she didn't do. <br /><br />Know how in 6th grade they teach you cause and effect? <br />She was always the effect. <br />Never the cause. <br />So she NEVER made a mistake. She was always the result of a mistake somebody ELSE made. I think I've pounded that in your head, yes? <br /><br />Just found out she died. <br />Ya, Courtney, my friend from kindergarten, was once again the effect. <br /><br />We hadn't talked since our last pen pal convo in 4th grade. She moved when her dad got a divorce against her mom. Not her fault. But she had to move so her mom could take a job and moved the summer going into 1st grade. <br /><br />Needless to say, that girl was so sweet. Been in foster care. We knew the stories. Especially my "group" we had one wednesday a month to talk about hard things. My mom had put me in there cuz my dad and her fought 24/7/365. And.... My dad has this liver disease. But Courtney... Was always so serene. So calm. So positive. I didn't understand. <br /><br />I remember she had these scratches on her arm. Bruises even, but more than the average We were taking snow clothes off, and it was after I punched a kid in the face (big huge Nate now, but he was tiny and chubby back in the day) and she was there so we went to the office. She took her snow clothes off and and i noticed. But she smiled and shrugged it off. <br /><br />I still dunno what those were from.... <br /><br />Courtney used to be by my side when I got picked on. Stood up for me when my blocks were knocked over. Helped me with whiteboard alphabet activies I have vague memories of doing under a table. <br /><br />She was one great girl. But bad things happened to her. She was always a consequence to somebody's ridiculous mistake. <br /><br />So when I found out.... <br />That it was a car crash she hadn't caused. Stupid idiot ran a stop sign and t-boned her... <br />I thought back to Hannah Montana. (unfortunately) <br /><br />Everybody makes mistakes. <br />Everybody has those days. <br />Nobody's perfect. <br /><br />Somebody didn't make mistakes, oh Miss Hannah. She wasn't perfect, but she didn't make mistakes. <br /><br />And now she's gone. <br />Sad effect. <br /><br />::<br /><br />So in retrospect, what if I am one big mistake? I think about this a lot. <br /><br />When my parents fight over how to raise me. How my mom thinks this and dad that and bicker bicker bicker throwing phones, missing moms, phone calls to cops and screaming fits and suicide threats. <br /><br />All cuz of me. <br />All about me. <br /><br />So what If I'm the mistake? <br />Hell, if I wasn't born, my dad could go back to being some drunk druggie and my mom to being alone like she always wanted as she tells me. If I wasn't born, mom could have broke up with him. Divorced him and been happy like she isn't Now. <br /><br />Or.... <br />When I get good things and screw them up cuz of <br />My pessimisim<br />My attitude<br />Sarcasm<br />Clinginess<br />Stupidity<br />Selfishness<br />The list goes on, really. <br /><br />So maybe, Miss Montana, that song was written for me. <br /><br />But what about those out there, who THINK they're the mistake when they're the effect of somebody elses? <br /><br />Well, I wish I knew the answer to that. <br /><br />In any case, <br />RIP Courtney. Kindergarten buddy. Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-44460772416547057432010-07-09T10:41:00.000-05:002010-07-09T10:50:22.849-05:00I wanna hold onto the things I so desperately can't. <br />I want to breathe in an take a breather and calm the fuck down. <br /><br />But sometimes- that isn't an option and my anxiety thinks otherwise.<br /><br />I've always been an open book. Needed people more than I need air just because I've been alone my whole life otherwise. Clinging to comments that make me feel worth something, comments I don't otherwise hear. And this gets me in trouble along with my depression. I get kicked out of things and lose friends becasue I'm so bloddy depressed. <br /><br />And I don't think people understand depression. <br /><br />Because when somebody is depressed...the last thing that person needs is to be left alone and to lose everyone. They want to feel loved just like everyone else. But I know I'm a lot to deal with. In many cases, I try my bloody best to slap on a smile and walk around making jokes and random comments as much as possible. It's why eveeryone at work likes when I'm working. I'm a good actress. <br /><br />But sometimes, I make the mistake of telling people how I feel, and it pisses them off more than ever leaving me alone to sit and think over and over what I did wrong. To think over an over what the eff my problem is. To think over and over why I let that slip and lost something really good that I work hard to keep. <br /><br />I never mean to hurt anyone in anyway. To make anyone cry as much as I do over them. To hurt anyone feelings. To Stab anyone in the back. I try really hard to make everyone happy, because a lot of the time, I'm not happy myself. And if I can make someone happy- my depression calms down a bit. If I have someone by my side, it's possible to get thru it. <br /><br />Maybe people need space and I need to respect that. <br />But being alone hurts really bad. And it's something I've had too much experience with.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-39889436453723924472010-07-05T01:31:00.000-05:002010-07-05T01:36:44.207-05:00I Need A WishI wish I didn't fear. <br />I wish I wasn't so afraid of losing you. <br />I wish I didn't fear my love for you. That it could get thrown in my face. <br />I wish you'd never leave me.<br />I wish I could fly and let life fall behind me.<br /><br />I wish I could get out feelings. <br />I wish I wasn't judged. <br />I wish you loved me like I love you. <br />I wish I didn't need so much. <br /><br />I wish I wasn't selfish. <br />I wish I couldn't cry. <br />I wish I wasn't confused. <br />I wish I wasn't so clingy. <br /><br />I wish I didn't freak out over everything.<br />I wish I didn't doubt or assume. <br />I wish I could take life for what it is. <br /><br />I wish I could write a good blog for once in a blue moon.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-25397061749192799412010-07-05T00:44:00.000-05:002010-07-05T01:30:11.689-05:00Pretty Pointless BlogI really tried to write a good blog today. But I can't find words anymore. <br />Not as myself. <br /><br />I wanted to write this blog about my paranoia. But everything I wrote was too personal and almost Hurt me to even write down. <br />Then I wanted to write this blog about my feelings on doubt. That was once again, too personal. <br />Then I wanted to write a blog about love. <br />But i've DONE that before. <br />So now I'm writing a blog, for lack of words. <br /><br />It's like everything I write on this blog is too personal. Something that if someone reads, won't accept and will leave me. <br />I'm scared. <br />I'm scared of myself. That I'll drive everyone away. <br /><br />Maybe I give too much of myself to people for them to hold on to. <br />Maybe I'm too possesive and maybe I should be more careful. <br />Maybe I need to give a shorter string of me to hold onto. But at this point, I'm not changing. <br />This is who I've grown up to me. Beautiful or not. This is what I am. <br />Paranoid. <br />Anxiety. <br />Scared. <br />Rejected.<br />Loved- I think. <br />Depressed. <br />Happy. <br />Stable and unstable. <br /><br />You know how in Hercules they have those life strings? <br />And if they cut it, the person the strings life represents, dies? <br />Sometimes I feel like that's me. Waiting to be cut. <br />And if I get cut...cut out of something. I can't lose those who are very important to me. <br />If you're in my top five...I cant lose you. <br /><br />I don't know what this blog is about. <br /><br />I guess, as Megara said, <br />"People do crazy things when they're in love."Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-66132327047680720382010-06-05T16:17:00.000-05:002010-11-28T22:03:31.143-06:00Shout It Outi saw people doing this on deviant art. and since i can't draw for my life, i'll do it here. <br /><br />SHOUT IT OUT. <br /><br />i am ugly. and fat. it's a problem. and no matter how much people tell me i'm not, i still look in the mirror and hate everything i see. <br /><br />i love to sing. choir is my passion and i might die without at LEAST four part harmony.<br /><br />i love rainbows. they make my heart smile. along with llamas.<br /><br />i'm paranoid. if you suddenly stop talking to me, i assume the worst. <br /><br />i need to feel loved. otherwise i feel like a worthless sack of potatoes.<br /><br />i still sleep with a pink security blanket which i call "he." He, my blanky, is also gay. <br /><br />i love gay men. <br /><br />i can get depressed easily. sometimes from myself. <br /><br />i'm a people pleaser. i love to compliment and make others feel the way i can't. good about themselves.<br /><br />i cry for stupid things.<br /><br />i can only draw stereotypical stick figures<br /><br />i write too much when i dont need to. then those days come where i need to vent and my paper remains blank<br /><br />i resist the urges to say "I Love You." <br /><br />i love hugs so ridiculously much<br /><br />i need a life<br /><br />i could crawl into a hole right now and cry and be happier that way.<br /><br />depression is very much a physical thing for me. same with anxiety. they go hand in hand in my world and i hate it.<br /><br />i'm scared at the moment<br /><br />i will stay up late to please other people, even if i REALLY don't want to.<br /><br />if you annoy me once, chances are you will be on the "annoying" list for all of eternity. <br /><br />i'm usually a pretty good forgiver. depending on your offense.<br /><br />i'm a hypocrite. and i hate that.<br /><br />when i get anxiety attackes, theyre usually caused by other people. i shake, my heart races, and i have trouble breathing right. and during them? i usually get mondo depressed and reach out for help from a friend. <br /><br />i depend on people<br /><br />my past affected me hardcore into all i am today. <br /><br />my mom can be my best friend of EVER EVER EVER but she thinks too highly of me.<br />other times, she hates me ALMOST as much as i hate myself. i have yet to have a steady week with her. but maybe that's just teenage life and hormones.<br /><br />i have a very bad potty mouth. <br />and really? in person, i try VERY VERY hard to control it and sensor it. <br />when i'm writing?<br />good luck sensoring me.<br /><br />can you tell my confidence is poop?Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-21757073889991483502010-05-22T13:03:00.000-05:002010-05-22T13:13:35.931-05:00Tis My StorySometimes, my Mother drives me insane.<br /><br />i walk downstairs and get yelled at because i want some turkey.<br />she told me i take advantage of her.<br />and i dont. i try to help.<br />but she always says no when i try to.<br /><br />did you know i hate people like that?<br />the ones who tell me i should help them more, then when i offer, they say no.<br />and it happens a lot to me.<br />"you need to help me more"<br />"okay."<br />when i ask for help?<br />"no. its fine. i dont want ur help."<br /><br />"you need to listen to me more."<br />"okay."<br />when i offer to listen to their problems?<br />"no, its fine. i dont want to talk about it. "<br /><br />"you need to be happy more."<br />"okay."<br />when i am happy?<br />it isnt even noticed.<br /><br />i dont understand what the eff i'm supposed to do when people say these things.<br />i dont want to call it hypocricy... but i dunno.<br /><br />my mom is irritating. she always yells at me and tells me that i suck pretty much. we have our moments and stuff, but a lot of the time, we just fight like CRAZY. and i just dont get it. i dont understand why she seems to hate me so much.<br />she makes me question things. and i dont get it.<br /><br />i dont get her.<br />i think she has some kind of disorder or SOMETHING that makes her how she is. so moody.<br />and she's WAY past menopause, so dont even suggest that.<br />she has to make everything dramatic.<br />gahhhhhhhhhh<br />okay. thats my story.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-89409517082624619212010-05-21T21:36:00.000-05:002010-05-21T21:51:22.549-05:00I'm a NameWho are you?<br />Lindsey.<br />that seems like the easiest question in the world.<br />but its more loaded than that.<br />who are you means...more than your name. we are not defined by a name.<br />that is merely... a label of some sort.<br /><br />So let's try this again.<br /><br />Who are you?<br />I'm a dreamer.<br />i'm a liver, a breather, a sinner, a saint.<br />i'm a heart beat, i'm a nothing<br />i'm a something.<br />i'm... a particle. i'm an atom. i'm a body in a sea of bodies.<br />i'm a grain of sand on the beach.<br />i'm an idea<br />i'm a believer<br />i'm a doubter and a follower.<br />a leader.<br />i'm a voice<br />i'm a whisper<br />i'm a file in a cabinet.<br />i'm a ray from the sun,<br />i'm the air that we share.<br />i'm a singer<br />i'm a dancer<br />i'm a romanticist<br />in more ways than one<br />i'm a writer<br />i'm clingy<br />i'm attached<br />i'm alone<br />i'm happy<br />i'm sad<br />i'm a thinker<br />i'm a sleeper<br />i'm a comic<br />i'm a laugh<br />i'm a giggle<br />i'm a chuckle and a smirk.<br />i'm caucasion<br />i'm irish<br />i'm italian<br />i'm reader<br />i'm a name.<br />i'm a face<br />i'm a pair of eyes and ears.<br />i'm a nose and a tongue<br />i'm a soul<br />i'm a name<br />i'm a heart<br />i'm a lung<br />i'm a name<br />i'm a raindrop in an ocean<br />i'm a name<br />i'm a lover<br />i'm a name<br />i'm a name<br />sometimes, i am only a name.<br /><br />but other times, i am all those other things.<br />i am more than a name<br />than a face<br />than a body.<br />i am a soul.<br /><br />and one day...<br />i will find someone like me.<br />and things will be okay.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4143332919138383054.post-9527803269925918582010-05-21T16:06:00.000-05:002010-05-21T16:28:38.021-05:00SwingsSwings are the closest thing we have to flying. and believe me, i want to fly.<br /><br />most of these blogs, will be me complaining, funny stories, and my commentary on life.<br />which means i have no time to capitalize, to fix grammar, or so much care about it.<br />its life.<br />and life shouldnt be edited.<br /><br />i love to swing.<br />when i was a little girl, i was all about swingin during recess. maybe cuz i didnt have friends, maybe cuz i liked to close my eyes and just go where i can.<br />my imagination.<br /><br />and until recently, i hadnt swung for quite some time.<br />it wasnt until our high school musical (nope, not HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, we did "Singing in the Rain.") that i went swinging with a friend from the cast before i realized WHY i loved to sing.<br /><br />because i loved to fly.<br /><br />i loved to feel the wind beneath my feet, the cool air hit my skin, i loved to close my eyes and feel...<br />free.<br /><br />lately, all i want to do is swing.<br />but life seems to consume.<br />school drama<br />internet drama<br />love drama<br />work drama (ya, there is drama at mcdonalds)<br />hell, LIFE drama.<br /><br />but when you think about it, life is just one big drama.<br />so there is no suprise.<br /><br />the closer i get to college, the closer i feel like i'm slipping away. like, soon i wont be me anymore, but i'll be...<br />some old, boring...woman.<br />i like being a girl. a little kid.<br />but who doesnt? life is almost easier that way. well, kindergarten and preschool.<br /><br />lately, i've been having some attachement issues.<br />to the person i'm dating who happens to have someone else they are already dating.<br />so there is ONE strike for me.<br />this person, also happens to live far from me, so it is an internet relationship.<br />strike two.<br />and did i mention i met this person thru the one they're dating?<br />strike three. i'm out.<br /><br />and things are usually okay between us, but i always want to talk to them. but thats hard when you throw time differences in there.<br />internet relationships are very hard.<br /><br />they keep saying, since i'm getting "clingy" that my heart isnt in it then...but that isnt the case at all. not one bit.<br />i love them a lot. and i know my heart is in it.<br />but how can you be confident about someone's love when you are competeing for it? sharing it with someone?<br />what if they wake up one day and i'm not there so they leave me?<br />the thoughts that go through my mind are endless.<br /><br />and my friends are sick of it.<br />well, my best friend is.<br />i keep annoying her. i already screwed up our relationship, i cant keep doing it by being a whiner.<br />part of the reason why i got this blog. so i can just let loose all this stuff i have to get out somewhere, and hope someone reads it and doesnt hate me within like, two minutes of reading my words.<br /><br />i guess, i'm confused. i want them for myself,<br />that's human nature... we're all always jealous. find the need for it to be OURS.<br />MINE.<br />YOURS.<br />OURS.<br />such possesive words. like a little stamp to put on things...the territorial respect at least.<br /><br />so i find myself wanting to swing.<br />to just, be able to close my mind and fly without a care or thought in the world.<br />no homework<br />no school<br />no friends<br />no love<br />no drama<br />no life<br />no nothing.<br />just the wind, just the world.<br />just the world and me, completely at peace.<br />and it's hard. very hard...but no one said life would be easy.<br /><br />i dont think ANYTHING is easy.<br />i mean, lets think,<br />maybe algebra is easy for me.<br />maybe algebra is hard for you.<br />or maybe science is easy for you<br />and hard for me.<br />or any subject, any anything.<br /><br />nothing is truly "easy" because everything is hard for SOMEONE.<br />and life is the hardest thing in the world, isnt it? people give up everyday, then there are some people who push on thru miserably, like my mom, and then there are some people who learn to love life. the optimists. the ones who realize things suck, but some things rock.<br />that's life.<br />and i suppose we all strive to be great and strive to be happy, its why we are selfish and do things for our own gain.<br /><br />so maybe that's why i allow myself to date someone who is technically already taken.<br />because it makes me happy to feel loved.<br />it makes me happy to be somebody's and to be able to say i have someone i'm dating.<br /><br />its something i've never been able to have before, because i've never been wanted.<br />maybe that's why. cuz i really want to be wanted.<br />we all want to be wanted.<br /><br />all in all,<br />life is one big swing.<br />sometimes, you can just fly on thru life, but there are always those times when its hard to keep pumping your legs.<br />but you just gotta keep doing it.<br />so i suppose...<br />i'll keep on swinging.Polkahotnesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10526325936250684794noreply@blogger.com0