Feelings.

i have no one to talk to who REALLY gets it.

either, i can't complain to them cuz i feel guilty cuz their life is WAY worse than mine...
or we aren't close anymore
or they don't understand
or they start yelling at me cuz they don't understand
or they simply just don't understand.
or they say i'm crazy.

sure. imma crazy. i hate being ignored and IMMA crazy. i hate being jealous and IMMA crazy. i hate being alone inside my room crying until fucking 1 am every morning and IMMA CRAZY!

i can't let anyone know how i feel. i can't even tell myself.

i can't tell god cuz i keep doubting he's there. which is dumb... but i can't help it.

i can't tell my mom cuz she's a sad sack of complaints and always has to have a worse life than me even when all i need is a hug.

i can't tell anyone. cuz i don't even know what i'd say.

i just know i feel like going away. vanishing. not existing. because if i didn't exist, everything would be more simple.

the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.
i know i'm good for something i just havent found it yet
and i need it.

wings wouldn't help me. swinging wouldn't help me. nothing would help me cuz nothing makes sense anymore.

i looked at a paper and a pen i was holding the other day and i couldn't find ONE WORD to write down. i've tried writing poems, and stories and anything else i can find... and i can't find anything.

its like i look inside myself... and there's nothing left. nothing left that is tangable or able to be put into words.

and i have no one to go to. i don't have anyone who understands and not because they're bad friends or anything even CLOSE to that. its just... i don't know how i'm feeling.

hopeless
broken
worthless
alone
unloved
uncared for
waste of space
unwanted

all of the above and more.




its funny how one event can trigger a feeling.
or multiple for that matter. how one thing can make you suddenly feel like there really is nothing better than this and nothing left to live for or strive towards.

its funny how i can not wish to die.... but simply to disapear for a day and have no obligations. no homework. no play. no carolers. no choir. no work. no sleep. no anything.
no memories to hold me down
no feelings to keep me stuck in some rut.
just nothing.
absolutely nothing.

a blank mind.
a blank canvas.
a blank everything.

because if there's nothing to think about
and no people to influence me
or anything.
things are fine.
everything will be fine.....


"Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and i feel so ugly. i know i am. i must be. whenever my friends and i go out and we meet a guy he always likes my friend. sometimes i don't even like him, i just want him to like me because they never do.

i don't know what's so ugly about me. when i look in the mirror i always think i look okay. but nobody else ever does. which means i must be really repulsively ugly and i'm just too concieted to see it.

this one time i was walking down the street with my friends in my nice clothes and this car drove past and these 2 guys yelled out the window, 'needs a diet and a haircut!' they made me want to crawl into a hole and never show my face again.
just never show my ugly face again."
-my monologue from theatre

there isn't much left to hold onto anymore.

how do you hold onto the intangeable? when everything else fades away and you're simply left with yourself... how do you survive?

thats it. you don't.
and maybe i shouldn't either.

All I Ever Wanted

It's eating at my brain 
At my soul. 
At my skin.
Tearing thick flesh from the sanity that once held it together. 
A deep breath cannot turn time back or take back the steps I took so boldly in the direction I never knew would bring us here. 
Bring us to destruction and thorough baronness that surrounded every mistake I ever tried to forget. 
I lost the things I worked for
And I longed for the past with each footstep I made on her heart. 
All I ever wanted
Needed
Yearned for
Was in the love I once saw so clearly. It stared me in the face to my soul and back and I knew it was true no matter the selfish doubts my untamed lips spewed. 
It tore us apart. 
My unkept secrets to the trembling of a hidden hand. 
The quickened thumps of a heartbeat. 
And maybe that's all we'll ever be. 
Memories. 
Things I hold onto tighter than gold or life. 
Memories- The one thing that won't change on me. 
Because I ruin everything else. 
But a memory- you can't touch a memory. 

Thus- I can't ruin all we had. 
I can only ruin what we have. 
Which sadly, is now nothing. 

I no longer yearn to strangle words from you or to beg for the three words I know won't pass your lips for me anymore. No matter how hard it pulls at my heartstrings, I must learn to accept that sad consequence. 

:: 

All I ever wanted I had for a short time. Etched on every wall it will remain. Memories of things I so long to return to. But can't. 

Oh how I love to hold the intangable. 

June.

This tree, once rich with honey
once strong by nature
once beautiful by wind and bursts of laughter
has sunken with the sun.
It's leaves, once lush with dew
now cloud earth's ground with flakey amber
with dusty color.
And everlasting dull
that succumbed the tree.
It's limbs extend outward
to maybe graze the blue sky with the tips of it's fingers...
They're bare. Unable to thrive.
And in the middle of the heated day
that surrounds it on this morn
haunts every hope of an oncoming birth.
For it's hot
and humid
and sticky with dry laughter
yet it's bloom never arives
amidst the sun of June.

Nobody's Perfect.

You know how that saying that Hannah Montana way over used in her song? That line that goes, "Everybody makes mistakes/everybody has those days." you know. The song, "Nobody's Perfect." 

I think that songs wrong. 

I think, there are those people out there that really DONT make mistakes. Mistakes just happen to them. They don't cause them, but they are the ones the mistakes happen to and effect. 

I feel this way...because I've met someone like that. 
A great girl. Big heart. Huge love. One of the most loving and kindest people one could....ever meet. But all these things happened to her. Things she didn't do. 

Know how in 6th grade they teach you cause and effect? 
She was always the effect. 
Never the cause. 
So she NEVER made a mistake. She was always the result of a mistake somebody ELSE made. I think I've pounded that in your head, yes? 

Just found out she died. 
Ya, Courtney, my friend from kindergarten, was once again the effect.  

We hadn't talked since our last pen pal convo in 4th grade. She moved when her dad got a divorce against her mom. Not her fault. But she had to move so her mom could take a job and moved the summer going into 1st grade. 

Needless to say, that girl was so sweet. Been in foster care. We knew the stories. Especially my "group" we had one wednesday a month to talk about hard things. My mom had put me in there cuz my dad and her fought 24/7/365. And.... My dad has this liver disease. But Courtney... Was always so serene. So calm. So positive. I didn't understand. 

I remember she had these scratches on her arm. Bruises even, but more than the average  We were taking snow clothes off, and it was after I punched a kid in the face (big huge Nate now, but he was tiny and chubby back in the day) and she was there so we went to the office. She took her snow clothes off and and i noticed. But she smiled and shrugged it off. 

I still dunno what those were from.... 

Courtney used to be by my side when I got picked on. Stood up for me when my blocks were knocked over. Helped me with whiteboard alphabet activies I have vague memories of doing under a table. 

She was one great girl. But bad things happened to her. She was always a consequence to somebody's ridiculous mistake. 

So when I found out.... 
That it was a car crash she hadn't caused. Stupid idiot ran a stop sign and t-boned her... 
I thought back to Hannah Montana. (unfortunately) 

Everybody makes mistakes. 
Everybody has those days. 
Nobody's perfect. 

Somebody didn't make mistakes, oh Miss Hannah. She wasn't perfect, but she didn't make mistakes. 

And now she's gone. 
Sad effect. 

::

So in retrospect, what if I am one big mistake? I think about this a lot. 

When my parents fight over how to raise me. How my mom thinks this and dad that and bicker bicker bicker throwing phones, missing moms, phone calls to cops and screaming fits and suicide threats. 

All cuz of me. 
All about me. 

So what If I'm the mistake? 
Hell, if I wasn't born, my dad could go back to being some drunk druggie and my mom to being alone like she always wanted as she tells me. If I wasn't born, mom could have broke up with him. Divorced him and been happy like she isn't Now. 

Or.... 
When I get good things and screw them up cuz of 
My pessimisim
My attitude
Sarcasm
Clinginess
Stupidity
Selfishness
The list goes on, really. 

So maybe, Miss Montana, that song was written for me. 

But what about those out there, who THINK they're the mistake when they're the effect of somebody elses? 

Well, I wish I knew the answer to that. 

In any case, 
RIP Courtney. Kindergarten buddy.  

I wanna hold onto the things I so desperately can't.
I want to breathe in an take a breather and calm the fuck down.

But sometimes- that isn't an option and my anxiety thinks otherwise.

I've always been an open book. Needed people more than I need air just because I've been alone my whole life otherwise. Clinging to comments that make me feel worth something, comments I don't otherwise hear. And this gets me in trouble along with my depression. I get kicked out of things and lose friends becasue I'm so bloddy depressed.

And I don't think people understand depression.

Because when somebody is depressed...the last thing that person needs is to be left alone and to lose everyone. They want to feel loved just like everyone else. But I know I'm a lot to deal with. In many cases, I try my bloody best to slap on a smile and walk around making jokes and random comments as much as possible. It's why eveeryone at work likes when I'm working. I'm a good actress.

But sometimes, I make the mistake of telling people how I feel, and it pisses them off more than ever leaving me alone to sit and think over and over what I did wrong. To think over an over what the eff my problem is. To think over and over why I let that slip and lost something really good that I work hard to keep.

I never mean to hurt anyone in anyway. To make anyone cry as much as I do over them. To hurt anyone feelings. To Stab anyone in the back. I try really hard to make everyone happy, because a lot of the time, I'm not happy myself. And if I can make someone happy- my depression calms down a bit. If I have someone by my side, it's possible to get thru it.

Maybe people need space and I need to respect that.
But being alone hurts really bad. And it's something I've had too much experience with.

I Need A Wish

I wish I didn't fear.
I wish I wasn't so afraid of losing you.
I wish I didn't fear my love for you. That it could get thrown in my face.
I wish you'd never leave me.
I wish I could fly and let life fall behind me.

I wish I could get out feelings.
I wish I wasn't judged.
I wish you loved me like I love you.
I wish I didn't need so much.

I wish I wasn't selfish.
I wish I couldn't cry.
I wish I wasn't confused.
I wish I wasn't so clingy.

I wish I didn't freak out over everything.
I wish I didn't doubt or assume.
I wish I could take life for what it is.

I wish I could write a good blog for once in a blue moon.

Pretty Pointless Blog

I really tried to write a good blog today. But I can't find words anymore.
Not as myself.

I wanted to write this blog about my paranoia. But everything I wrote was too personal and almost Hurt me to even write down.
Then I wanted to write this blog about my feelings on doubt. That was once again, too personal.
Then I wanted to write a blog about love.
But i've DONE that before.
So now I'm writing a blog, for lack of words.

It's like everything I write on this blog is too personal. Something that if someone reads, won't accept and will leave me.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of myself. That I'll drive everyone away.

Maybe I give too much of myself to people for them to hold on to.
Maybe I'm too possesive and maybe I should be more careful.
Maybe I need to give a shorter string of me to hold onto. But at this point, I'm not changing.
This is who I've grown up to me. Beautiful or not. This is what I am.
Paranoid.
Anxiety.
Scared.
Rejected.
Loved- I think.
Depressed.
Happy.
Stable and unstable.

You know how in Hercules they have those life strings?
And if they cut it, the person the strings life represents, dies?
Sometimes I feel like that's me. Waiting to be cut.
And if I get cut...cut out of something. I can't lose those who are very important to me.
If you're in my top five...I cant lose you.

I don't know what this blog is about.

I guess, as Megara said,
"People do crazy things when they're in love."