New Thoughts on Disney

she waits in a daze
in a haze at the window
on the wall
staring back at the failures
that allowed her to fall

dreary drops of untouched dew
smear her makeup
under drooping eyelids
held open for the promise of
a prince to come for her too.

standstill clocks, hands unmoved with
slender fingers clutching the
dried petals of
the dreams she once held onto
tied to the string of the balloon she let go of long ago
when she gave away her heart
to become one more rejected cartoon.




don't waste your songs
on an aged dream that lost it's magic
when i lost you

or rather, the dream of you
distilled and dry to the tongue
the tip of it gracing my lips
when you used to sing that song

of notes filled with promise
of notes too soon forgotten with the fog that held you up
you're lost
amidst the dreams i let go of too soon.

amidst the air that supplied us with hopes and dreams of a love we let go of too soon.
of the love we let go of too soon.




i often wonder
what it would be like
to be her and not me.
i often wonder
what life would be like
to be wanted like her.
i often wonder what i did
to deserve to be alone.
i often wonder why my life
can't be etched in some disney campagin
full of love
and harmonies
and characters that the world can't get enough of.
that i can't get enough of.
how could you let me down?
how could you let me fall so fast before the hormones set it?
before the colors soaked into my skin
absorbed every lie you fed me as a child.
and here i am, waiting
for all your sick little promises.


until now, nothing i've written was good. but this... this i like:

“Being alone was never something I asked for,
not something i thrived to be.
Id rather be a tree:
strong and rooted to what it knows
to what it thrives off of.
I’d rather be so tall
that i could almost touch the sky
and be so close to flying
but never able to fall."


'least i got something good out of this.

"Fairytale of Sorts", Written by Me.

Once upon a time there was a girl born with a fairy’s heart and soul beneath her skin. She was kind and loving and always used kind words to help whenever she could. Yet, the pure soul inside her was covered by thick hair and bubbling moles all over her body. She was trapped inside the body of a horrifying creature. Her teeth were so large and sharp that she never smile and her laugh was so thunderous and booming that she refused to laugh. Encasing her pure soul was a solid flesh that left her heavy and tied down not to mention bulbous to the eye.
She never understood why she wasn’t like all the other children in her village, why her parents never let her leave the confines of her near broken home and why her sister wouldn’t speak to her.
On a cold day in the middle of the night, she stole away to the village to look at the world under the night’s shadow.
“The world is so beautiful…” she wondered as she walked across the gravel road beneath her black boots. She longed to fit in and be a part of the world everyone shut her out of.
It wasn’t until the sun rose just enough that she could see her reflection in the water of the brick well in the center of the village.
“Hellish fiend!”
“Such a vile creature!”
“A demon!”
“Kill it! Kill it!” yelled the townspeople as they caught eye of the girl while she tried to plea for forgiveness for entering their unchanged village she clearly didn’t belong in.
“Please,” she cried, “I will hurt no one!”
But they continued to yell their words towards her heart that was so big and so fragile it nearly burst.
“How cruel can you all be? I’m just like you! I’m a person, too!” she shouted until a familiar voice rang louder and high above the townspeople’s cries.
“Let’s be rid of this monster!” the voice yelped.
The girl’s eyes widened with shock and then flooded with hot salty tears.
“Mother…?” she mumbled as her mother’s recognizable blonde hair bobbed towards her from the crowd of shouting villagers.
“She isn’t one of us!” her mother said as she tore off the sleeve of her daughter’s milky white dress. After a bark of applause and yips of joy, the girl’s sister stepped forth and a sigh of relief escaped the girl’s lips.
“Ahh… sister…”
But her sister only smiled a wicked smile and tore off the other of the sleeves.
“Different.” She stated as a plague of agreements swarmed the air.
“Father!” the girl cried out begging for someone, anyone to bring an end to this madness.
As if her prayer had been answered, her father stepped forward to the head of the crowd standing proudly in front of her. For a long moment he stood still as stone and overlooked the silent stricken mass of bodies before him. In one quick pivot, he twisted to face his daughter with a hurt and lost expression in his eyes; his look near distant and unattached.
All it took was one swift movement to rip off the remainder of her clothes that had been the only thing keeping the girl as human as possible, despite her shocking looks.
“A… a monster.” Her father whispered faintly as he left her to face the village as bare as a baby; her every flaw visible to the wide eyes that surrounded her and looked over every detail that she had grown to accept.
The girl had become numb. Her body, flawed and broken stood still as the townspeople swarmed her with pitchforks, rocks, knives and axes. She felt nothing but air hit her skin as they beat her until the hair on her body was sticky and thick with her crimson blood.
Instead, it was her father who took in her pain. As he watched the townspeople beat his kin until her last breath escaped her lips, he absorbed each fatal blow they threw. His eyes poured thick tears that his daughter no longer could shed and he fell to his knees, but the world never noticed.
For the world, though beautiful and flawed, doesn’t stop turning for all those who are the same- no –the world only notices those who are different and thus, takes its action.
The world left the girl’s father to cry over his unrecognizable daughter he had let down. The world left him to live his life until he died of old age and a broken heart.
But the world absorbed his daughter’s body as it rotted in the center of the village and for the first time in all her thirteen years, the girl felt like she finally belonged somewhere.
The End.

I'm All MiXeD up.

i don't know how i feel right now.
the news is happy. the news is freakaleaking grand.
and here i sit. feeling my heart break.

i have never been able to entirely explain my feelings.
in a way, i am happy. it's all they wanted. its all they could want and get.
but... in the same way i am jealous. which is dumb cuz i'm pretty young to be jealous. but with how screwed up my system is... i may never be as lucky as they're about to be. and it'll kill me. if i cant get it myself.
and...
and more so...
i'm sad.
cuz i know this will be the staple in the relationship. not that i ever really had a chance anyways.

i want to fly.
i want to fly the sky and see the world from the clouds. i want to be wise and know the things others dont. i want god to point his finger and show me where to go and tell me why in whispers through all my dreams...

i want to be known all around the world.
i want to be loved and to love...

maybe it really bothers me so much because i want to keep them to myself. a small little hope that i'll be lucky enuf to get a shot...b ut i can't so idk why i'm fretting. i didn't have a chance.
i just know everyone has to grow up. everyone gets married and has a family.
but why them? why do people have to grow up?
i just... don't get it.

why?

i gues si don't know what any of this means... and i'll probably delete this blog later. but i felt like i needed to express this.

Through Shutters

through shutters
i see him
the way i imagine him
the way i'd like him to be.

through blinders i listen
to the words of the wind
promising things to me.

through shutters i see him
jagged and shaken
with every step he takes.

through blinders i listen
and see the vision
i clearly know is fake.



written by Lindsey Johnston on the 21st of November, 2010

Fond Memories.

Ever have that memory that never really goes away?
the kind of experience where you find a family that you love almost more than your own family? where you look at your life NOW compared to how it was THEN and think... "I'd do anything to go back and relive that month OVER AND OVER again..."?
i do.
Welcome to "The Wizard of Oz," presented by my local community theatre on October 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9, and 10th. This was my very first community theatre performance. being in this is probably... 4th on my list:

6.)Prarie Fire Theatre

5.)High School Theatre

4.)Community Theatre

3.)Le Hommideu (spelling sucks) Theatre

2.)Guthrie/Ordway/Orphieum type Theatre

1.)Broadway/Movies

so when i was cast as Miss Gultch/The Wicked Witch (yea, the green one :D), it was almost like a dream coming true!

now- i've had other dreams come true. for example:
being in carolers! for TWO YEARS which is HARD when you're a girl! note the picture on the right. NOTE: i'm the one in the teal in the front row

so that was definitely a dream come true. but this year was all about being in the AAAA. and as a LEAD. when i walked into that audition, i expected to be like, a munchkin or something because i'm 5'1" but instead, i found out that i was cast as THE WICKED WITCH of the freaking WEST. i screamed.

then, i learned all the fun things. blocking. worked on lines. more blocking. more working on lines. then the make up and costumes and props and sets (ha, styrofoam!) and then the whole show run throughs, all in preparation for the shows which i was beyond excited to be a part of.

when i look back on it, yes, the rehersals were fun. yes, the blocking was...well...blocking. but it wasnt until the costumes/makeup happened when everything started to become real fun.

my fondest memories take place in the makeup room during the fun times of before the run throughs/showtimes where everyone was in makeup chairs drinking gypsy tea to save our voices and using throat spray like it was candy. my fondest memories take place as my favorite make up people EVER coated me in green as my anxiety skyrocketed to whether i'd have enough time to get down to make my cue or not. more memories yet come from intermission where we crowded in the make up room for touch ups and swiped cookies not to mention oodles of crazy pictures like a few of these below:

these pictures represent just a FEW of the greatest memories i could ever have. i will ALWAYS look back at this show with some of the happiest memories of my life. times when after practice, we'd go to hunan and goof off like crazy idiots, me, dorothy and the tinman. times when we'd screw up the entire show on prank night by doing the whole first scene in gangsta lingo.

so...today...when i was flipping through the channels on television and ran across The Wizard of Oz, i couldn't help but feel my heart almost break. and so i decided to watch it, thinking i could handle it.

to my suprise, during "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," i burst into tears, crying some of the hardest i ever had. because when that song played, i remembered the last show. i remembered our dorothy's eyes watering as she sang it, and mine watering backstage as our tinman and lion and scarecrow prepared our crazy piece of crap wagon to bring onstage. i remember climbing onto my evil bike and blinking back tears realizing this was the last time any of this would be happeneing. that after this show, it was all over.

i realized... that anytime i hear this music, i'll think of our pit, of having OUR actor's voices talking over it. i'll never hear judy garland anymore...or any of the other actors.

i miss my family.

my oz family.

and i'd do anything to go back.

at least i can say i have some of the fondest memories i'll ever have.

and i'm glad i was once able to have a journey somewhere over the rainbow.

Bullying Overkill?

i'm really sick of the bullying issue that's going around.
everyone is all, "bullying, bullying, bullying. we need to stop bullying."
but that's only because kids have been killing themselves lately.

why does it take something like that to get people to open their eyes?

today in my advisory, we talked about bullying. watched a ridiculous video about it that our school media class made.
know something funny?
the people in the video were all popular. kids who DO the bullying.
isn't that ironic?

i found myself in rage when i watched a kid who bullies people all the time talk about how we should stop.
i found myself near tears when i heard two of the bullies in my class talk of how people need to not take things so seriously.

know something?
people who get offended easily haven't had it easy. there's a REASON why they take things personally and it's simply because in the past they've been hurt and their confidence has been ripped out.
"people are just joking"
well is it FUNNY?! who's laughing besides you!?
"people need to have some confidence."
well, that's hard when its been ripped out by people like you.
"they need to tell someone."
who wants to be the tattle tale? the moment they get in trouble, guess who gets teased even more? that's right. the 'tattle tale.'

people have this big idea of what they THINK bullying is.
they think it's slamming people into lockers and saying hurtful things to peoples faces.
that's elementary bullying.
when you get older, you learn how to TRULY bully people.
i'd rather be beaten black and blue than have a rumor started about me.
i'd rather be yelled at in my face than find out what my 'best friend' has been telling everyone.
i'd rather be dead than take all that abuse that eats away my innards until i'm nothing but a shell walking around in hopes that one day it'll all be over.

people don't GET bullying. they don't understand that bullying is as simple as saying behind someones back, "she's such a bitch."
bullying is as simple as, "did you see her invite herself to that party?"
bullying is as simple as, "she shouldn't be eating all that."
bullying is simple. its inside the box.

to truly stop bullying, everyone needs to open their eyes.
you don't know what can offend people when it all comes down to it because in all reality, you don't know what is going down behind closed doors.
maybe she's getting beaten and molested by her dad back home
maybe he's dealing drugs to save money for his mom
maybe she's cutting to deal with how worthless she feels
maybe he over eats because its the only thing he can control
maybe her parents fight nonstop until she falls asleep crying
maybe he's dying inside and nobody is noticing...
maybe its the end of the line for that person you're sitting next to and not paying one ounce of attention to.

its easy to be invisible.
but it's hard to pay attention.

if its one thing i've learned from all my experience with bullying, its that justice has nothing to do with it. you can tell all you want and they get slapped ovetr the hand.
"don't do that" they say.
but they do it anyways. just more carefully. they know when to because they know when theyre being watched.

truth of the matter you ask?
its this, so listen up.
nobody cares.
truthfully, nobody fucking cares.
you can fight back when you get mad for all their rude comments and guess who gets the sympathy?
the kid with the black eye.
you can yell at someone for ripping your esteem out of your system and guess who gets the "its okays?"
the kid laughing as you yell.
you can do all you want to try and save yourself but in the end...
you give up.
THAT'S why people commit suicide from bullying.
its because they look at the world that's supposed to be there for them and catch them when they fall only to realize they're letting them slip between the spaces of their fingers.

would i commit suicide?
maybe. as of now, no.
but i've thought about it. and i know where the kids are coming from.

so to all those being bullied?
you aren't alone.
hang in there.
i know it's cliched and said a lot... but it'll get better.
eventually.
i cant say when and i cant say how... but don't listen. numb your ears and close your eyes. focus on your family or a book or a movie or a song. focus on someone or something else. because when you're all alone... life is fucking hell. i've been there. sometimes i still AM there.
keep your chin up. and i know from experience that all it takes is for one person to truly care. to show interest. to show you're wanted.
YOU. ARE. AMAZING.
don't let ANYONE drag you down. if they need to pick on you to make themselves feel better, LET THEM because you're just HELPING them. then, go home and HELP YOURSELF. you're WORTH IT. to someone. TO ME. you're worth it to ME otherwise i wouldn't be sitting here wasting my time writing a blog about it.
you hear me?
YOU'RE WORTH IT TO ME.

this isn't the end. bullying will always be there to shove its finger in your face and tell you you're not worth it.
the trick? is listening to that one person out there who cares.

you never know who could just be waiting to listen.

love,
Lindsey

Feelings.

i have no one to talk to who REALLY gets it.

either, i can't complain to them cuz i feel guilty cuz their life is WAY worse than mine...
or we aren't close anymore
or they don't understand
or they start yelling at me cuz they don't understand
or they simply just don't understand.
or they say i'm crazy.

sure. imma crazy. i hate being ignored and IMMA crazy. i hate being jealous and IMMA crazy. i hate being alone inside my room crying until fucking 1 am every morning and IMMA CRAZY!

i can't let anyone know how i feel. i can't even tell myself.

i can't tell god cuz i keep doubting he's there. which is dumb... but i can't help it.

i can't tell my mom cuz she's a sad sack of complaints and always has to have a worse life than me even when all i need is a hug.

i can't tell anyone. cuz i don't even know what i'd say.

i just know i feel like going away. vanishing. not existing. because if i didn't exist, everything would be more simple.

the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.
i know i'm good for something i just havent found it yet
and i need it.

wings wouldn't help me. swinging wouldn't help me. nothing would help me cuz nothing makes sense anymore.

i looked at a paper and a pen i was holding the other day and i couldn't find ONE WORD to write down. i've tried writing poems, and stories and anything else i can find... and i can't find anything.

its like i look inside myself... and there's nothing left. nothing left that is tangable or able to be put into words.

and i have no one to go to. i don't have anyone who understands and not because they're bad friends or anything even CLOSE to that. its just... i don't know how i'm feeling.

hopeless
broken
worthless
alone
unloved
uncared for
waste of space
unwanted

all of the above and more.




its funny how one event can trigger a feeling.
or multiple for that matter. how one thing can make you suddenly feel like there really is nothing better than this and nothing left to live for or strive towards.

its funny how i can not wish to die.... but simply to disapear for a day and have no obligations. no homework. no play. no carolers. no choir. no work. no sleep. no anything.
no memories to hold me down
no feelings to keep me stuck in some rut.
just nothing.
absolutely nothing.

a blank mind.
a blank canvas.
a blank everything.

because if there's nothing to think about
and no people to influence me
or anything.
things are fine.
everything will be fine.....


"Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and i feel so ugly. i know i am. i must be. whenever my friends and i go out and we meet a guy he always likes my friend. sometimes i don't even like him, i just want him to like me because they never do.

i don't know what's so ugly about me. when i look in the mirror i always think i look okay. but nobody else ever does. which means i must be really repulsively ugly and i'm just too concieted to see it.

this one time i was walking down the street with my friends in my nice clothes and this car drove past and these 2 guys yelled out the window, 'needs a diet and a haircut!' they made me want to crawl into a hole and never show my face again.
just never show my ugly face again."
-my monologue from theatre

there isn't much left to hold onto anymore.

how do you hold onto the intangeable? when everything else fades away and you're simply left with yourself... how do you survive?

thats it. you don't.
and maybe i shouldn't either.