Saturday, October 30, 2010


i have no one to talk to who REALLY gets it.

either, i can't complain to them cuz i feel guilty cuz their life is WAY worse than mine...
or we aren't close anymore
or they don't understand
or they start yelling at me cuz they don't understand
or they simply just don't understand.
or they say i'm crazy.

sure. imma crazy. i hate being ignored and IMMA crazy. i hate being jealous and IMMA crazy. i hate being alone inside my room crying until fucking 1 am every morning and IMMA CRAZY!

i can't let anyone know how i feel. i can't even tell myself.

i can't tell god cuz i keep doubting he's there. which is dumb... but i can't help it.

i can't tell my mom cuz she's a sad sack of complaints and always has to have a worse life than me even when all i need is a hug.

i can't tell anyone. cuz i don't even know what i'd say.

i just know i feel like going away. vanishing. not existing. because if i didn't exist, everything would be more simple.

the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.
i know i'm good for something i just havent found it yet
and i need it.

wings wouldn't help me. swinging wouldn't help me. nothing would help me cuz nothing makes sense anymore.

i looked at a paper and a pen i was holding the other day and i couldn't find ONE WORD to write down. i've tried writing poems, and stories and anything else i can find... and i can't find anything.

its like i look inside myself... and there's nothing left. nothing left that is tangable or able to be put into words.

and i have no one to go to. i don't have anyone who understands and not because they're bad friends or anything even CLOSE to that. its just... i don't know how i'm feeling.

uncared for
waste of space

all of the above and more.

its funny how one event can trigger a feeling.
or multiple for that matter. how one thing can make you suddenly feel like there really is nothing better than this and nothing left to live for or strive towards.

its funny how i can not wish to die.... but simply to disapear for a day and have no obligations. no homework. no play. no carolers. no choir. no work. no sleep. no anything.
no memories to hold me down
no feelings to keep me stuck in some rut.
just nothing.
absolutely nothing.

a blank mind.
a blank canvas.
a blank everything.

because if there's nothing to think about
and no people to influence me
or anything.
things are fine.
everything will be fine.....

"Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and i feel so ugly. i know i am. i must be. whenever my friends and i go out and we meet a guy he always likes my friend. sometimes i don't even like him, i just want him to like me because they never do.

i don't know what's so ugly about me. when i look in the mirror i always think i look okay. but nobody else ever does. which means i must be really repulsively ugly and i'm just too concieted to see it.

this one time i was walking down the street with my friends in my nice clothes and this car drove past and these 2 guys yelled out the window, 'needs a diet and a haircut!' they made me want to crawl into a hole and never show my face again.
just never show my ugly face again."
-my monologue from theatre

there isn't much left to hold onto anymore.

how do you hold onto the intangeable? when everything else fades away and you're simply left with yourself... how do you survive?

thats it. you don't.
and maybe i shouldn't either.