Monday, April 25, 2011

Poem: "Flightless" by me

3 way taste
A 3 way tussle
Littering our floor
With shattered hearts
And shattered dreams
That lost their magic
Once the world grew too dark.
Such foolish eyes and mustered courage
Led the dream astray to die.
Like flightless birds, we struggle on the ground
Because we're too afraid to try. 

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Poem: "Daisies" by me

A dull faded sunlight
Dripping drops of confidence from dew
An earth turning slowly
To the beat of a metronome
A heart torn in two. 
Blossoms of anguish
Tear up through your skin
Sprouting daisy buds through your flesh to surround you
In the sunset colored love
That you asked for all along.
Eyes squinting to see
The chains holding you to the ground
Like roots embedded in lush soil
That help you grow and yet, consume
Watch it consume you. 
Under crisp air and harsh light;
Under plenishing rain you thrive
And yet-
You wither under the uncertainty
Of tomorrow's droughtful day. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


i have spent TOO MUCH MONEY.
i still need money for gas
i need to somehow find a green t-shirt for tomorrow
i need to buy black capris and a black shirt for grease
i need to have money to pay caleb back for the over 100 dollars i owe him
i need to have money to pay for dinner at prom
i need to have money to pay my mom for my cellphone bill

i paid 107 bucks today to get my car out of a ditch
i paid 5 bucks for my lunch because i can't eat here at school and stick to my diet
i paid 6 bucks for food for someone who i love dearly but i can't afford it right now and when i volunteered, i could.
i paid money for my grease tshirt
i paid money for my grease script
i paid money for my grease jacket
i paid money for freaking EVERYTHING and it just keeps getting worse.

on the other hand,
i like these people with girlfriends and they are quite happy with them so WHY do i bother?
i'll TELL you why i bother. i bother because in one case, his girlfriend treats him like SHIT. she is a HORRIBLE girlfriend. she teases him, she tells him what to do, she has him WHIPPED and he doesn't do anything about it. he just goes a long with it and i BET you i can tell you why.
i bet he does it because he is COMFORTABLE just like everyone else i know in screwed up relationships.
"Oh, we've been together for years, so that must mean i should just TAKE IT."

the other i don't really have a reason for i guess. but it's just frustrating.

all these people can get boyfriends and girlfriends and whatever and be happy
and here i am
losing weight so i can look SEMI-ATTRACTIVE
working my BUTT OFF trying to make myself better in every aspect
i'm a nice person
i care a lot about people
nobody wants anything to do with me because i'm always some friend. just the friend. the funny one. the NOBODY.

in other news,
i'm ALWAYS sick.
in the past three weeks, i've had
a sinus infection
an ear infection
strep throat
AND pink eye.
now, i can't hear out of my left ear properly, and the left side of my throat KILLS any time i swallow and any time i talk or yawn or basically EXIST.

WHY. seriously. why. everything i plan... it gets jumbled and stupid and confused and i just feel like i'm lost and alone and nobody cares.
my depression has started to act up again and i'm not gonna lie when i say i've fought off those urges so many times telling myself,
people in grease will notice.
my mom will notice
everyone will notice and i'll just get YELLED at like i always do and nobody will help me. nobody ever helps me.

it's like i've disapeared and i'm struggling.

i just don't understand why nobody wants to help or notices to help.
what's worse, is yesterday i realized i don't have any kind of confidant.
everyone that i have been close to is either out of reach, we've faded in our relationships or some other stupid reason. i have nobody to tell all this to and nobody who will understand all of it.

i just don't know what to do.


hug the earth and kiss the ground
make way for all
the tears around
to flourish and bloom
then fade away
endless dreaming
wasted day of colors and skies
of dreams too soon
fragrent flashes
of deepening gloom
silly melodies of words unsung
the hearts that crumbled
under hard touches and tightening grips
on cupid's poisened arrow tips
love and devotion
go hand in hand
but they fight the precautions and destroy the plan
dance in the light
but don't open your eyes
his poisen can hide
in your butterflies.

Monday, April 11, 2011

New Thoughts on Disney

she waits in a daze
in a haze at the window
on the wall
staring back at the failures
that allowed her to fall

dreary drops of untouched dew
smear her makeup
under drooping eyelids
held open for the promise of
a prince to come for her too.

standstill clocks, hands unmoved with
slender fingers clutching the
dried petals of
the dreams she once held onto
tied to the string of the balloon she let go of long ago
when she gave away her heart
to become one more rejected cartoon.

don't waste your songs
on an aged dream that lost it's magic
when i lost you

or rather, the dream of you
distilled and dry to the tongue
the tip of it gracing my lips
when you used to sing that song

of notes filled with promise
of notes too soon forgotten with the fog that held you up
you're lost
amidst the dreams i let go of too soon.

amidst the air that supplied us with hopes and dreams of a love we let go of too soon.
of the love we let go of too soon.

i often wonder
what it would be like
to be her and not me.
i often wonder
what life would be like
to be wanted like her.
i often wonder what i did
to deserve to be alone.
i often wonder why my life
can't be etched in some disney campagin
full of love
and harmonies
and characters that the world can't get enough of.
that i can't get enough of.
how could you let me down?
how could you let me fall so fast before the hormones set it?
before the colors soaked into my skin
absorbed every lie you fed me as a child.
and here i am, waiting
for all your sick little promises.

until now, nothing i've written was good. but this... this i like:

“Being alone was never something I asked for,
not something i thrived to be.
Id rather be a tree:
strong and rooted to what it knows
to what it thrives off of.
I’d rather be so tall
that i could almost touch the sky
and be so close to flying
but never able to fall."

'least i got something good out of this.