Saturday, May 22, 2010

Tis My Story

Sometimes, my Mother drives me insane.

i walk downstairs and get yelled at because i want some turkey.
she told me i take advantage of her.
and i dont. i try to help.
but she always says no when i try to.

did you know i hate people like that?
the ones who tell me i should help them more, then when i offer, they say no.
and it happens a lot to me.
"you need to help me more"
when i ask for help?
"no. its fine. i dont want ur help."

"you need to listen to me more."
when i offer to listen to their problems?
"no, its fine. i dont want to talk about it. "

"you need to be happy more."
when i am happy?
it isnt even noticed.

i dont understand what the eff i'm supposed to do when people say these things.
i dont want to call it hypocricy... but i dunno.

my mom is irritating. she always yells at me and tells me that i suck pretty much. we have our moments and stuff, but a lot of the time, we just fight like CRAZY. and i just dont get it. i dont understand why she seems to hate me so much.
she makes me question things. and i dont get it.

i dont get her.
i think she has some kind of disorder or SOMETHING that makes her how she is. so moody.
and she's WAY past menopause, so dont even suggest that.
she has to make everything dramatic.
okay. thats my story.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I'm a Name

Who are you?
that seems like the easiest question in the world.
but its more loaded than that.
who are you means...more than your name. we are not defined by a name.
that is merely... a label of some sort.

So let's try this again.

Who are you?
I'm a dreamer.
i'm a liver, a breather, a sinner, a saint.
i'm a heart beat, i'm a nothing
i'm a something.
i'm... a particle. i'm an atom. i'm a body in a sea of bodies.
i'm a grain of sand on the beach.
i'm an idea
i'm a believer
i'm a doubter and a follower.
a leader.
i'm a voice
i'm a whisper
i'm a file in a cabinet.
i'm a ray from the sun,
i'm the air that we share.
i'm a singer
i'm a dancer
i'm a romanticist
in more ways than one
i'm a writer
i'm clingy
i'm attached
i'm alone
i'm happy
i'm sad
i'm a thinker
i'm a sleeper
i'm a comic
i'm a laugh
i'm a giggle
i'm a chuckle and a smirk.
i'm caucasion
i'm irish
i'm italian
i'm reader
i'm a name.
i'm a face
i'm a pair of eyes and ears.
i'm a nose and a tongue
i'm a soul
i'm a name
i'm a heart
i'm a lung
i'm a name
i'm a raindrop in an ocean
i'm a name
i'm a lover
i'm a name
i'm a name
sometimes, i am only a name.

but other times, i am all those other things.
i am more than a name
than a face
than a body.
i am a soul.

and one day...
i will find someone like me.
and things will be okay.


Swings are the closest thing we have to flying. and believe me, i want to fly.

most of these blogs, will be me complaining, funny stories, and my commentary on life.
which means i have no time to capitalize, to fix grammar, or so much care about it.
its life.
and life shouldnt be edited.

i love to swing.
when i was a little girl, i was all about swingin during recess. maybe cuz i didnt have friends, maybe cuz i liked to close my eyes and just go where i can.
my imagination.

and until recently, i hadnt swung for quite some time.
it wasnt until our high school musical (nope, not HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, we did "Singing in the Rain.") that i went swinging with a friend from the cast before i realized WHY i loved to sing.

because i loved to fly.

i loved to feel the wind beneath my feet, the cool air hit my skin, i loved to close my eyes and feel...

lately, all i want to do is swing.
but life seems to consume.
school drama
internet drama
love drama
work drama (ya, there is drama at mcdonalds)
hell, LIFE drama.

but when you think about it, life is just one big drama.
so there is no suprise.

the closer i get to college, the closer i feel like i'm slipping away. like, soon i wont be me anymore, but i'll be...
some old, boring...woman.
i like being a girl. a little kid.
but who doesnt? life is almost easier that way. well, kindergarten and preschool.

lately, i've been having some attachement issues.
to the person i'm dating who happens to have someone else they are already dating.
so there is ONE strike for me.
this person, also happens to live far from me, so it is an internet relationship.
strike two.
and did i mention i met this person thru the one they're dating?
strike three. i'm out.

and things are usually okay between us, but i always want to talk to them. but thats hard when you throw time differences in there.
internet relationships are very hard.

they keep saying, since i'm getting "clingy" that my heart isnt in it then...but that isnt the case at all. not one bit.
i love them a lot. and i know my heart is in it.
but how can you be confident about someone's love when you are competeing for it? sharing it with someone?
what if they wake up one day and i'm not there so they leave me?
the thoughts that go through my mind are endless.

and my friends are sick of it.
well, my best friend is.
i keep annoying her. i already screwed up our relationship, i cant keep doing it by being a whiner.
part of the reason why i got this blog. so i can just let loose all this stuff i have to get out somewhere, and hope someone reads it and doesnt hate me within like, two minutes of reading my words.

i guess, i'm confused. i want them for myself,
that's human nature... we're all always jealous. find the need for it to be OURS.
such possesive words. like a little stamp to put on things...the territorial respect at least.

so i find myself wanting to swing.
to just, be able to close my mind and fly without a care or thought in the world.
no homework
no school
no friends
no love
no drama
no life
no nothing.
just the wind, just the world.
just the world and me, completely at peace.
and it's hard. very hard...but no one said life would be easy.

i dont think ANYTHING is easy.
i mean, lets think,
maybe algebra is easy for me.
maybe algebra is hard for you.
or maybe science is easy for you
and hard for me.
or any subject, any anything.

nothing is truly "easy" because everything is hard for SOMEONE.
and life is the hardest thing in the world, isnt it? people give up everyday, then there are some people who push on thru miserably, like my mom, and then there are some people who learn to love life. the optimists. the ones who realize things suck, but some things rock.
that's life.
and i suppose we all strive to be great and strive to be happy, its why we are selfish and do things for our own gain.

so maybe that's why i allow myself to date someone who is technically already taken.
because it makes me happy to feel loved.
it makes me happy to be somebody's and to be able to say i have someone i'm dating.

its something i've never been able to have before, because i've never been wanted.
maybe that's why. cuz i really want to be wanted.
we all want to be wanted.

all in all,
life is one big swing.
sometimes, you can just fly on thru life, but there are always those times when its hard to keep pumping your legs.
but you just gotta keep doing it.
so i suppose...
i'll keep on swinging.