Sunday, November 28, 2010
i see him
the way i imagine him
the way i'd like him to be.
through blinders i listen
to the words of the wind
promising things to me.
through shutters i see him
jagged and shaken
with every step he takes.
through blinders i listen
and see the vision
i clearly know is fake.
written by Lindsey Johnston on the 21st of November, 2010
the kind of experience where you find a family that you love almost more than your own family? where you look at your life NOW compared to how it was THEN and think... "I'd do anything to go back and relive that month OVER AND OVER again..."?
Welcome to "The Wizard of Oz," presented by my local community theatre on October 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9, and 10th. This was my very first community theatre performance. being in this is probably... 4th on my list:
being in carolers! for TWO YEARS which is HARD when you're a girl! note the picture on the right. NOTE: i'm the one in the teal in the front row
so that was definitely a dream come true. but this year was all about being in the AAAA. and as a LEAD. when i walked into that audition, i expected to be like, a munchkin or something because i'm 5'1" but instead, i found out that i was cast as THE WICKED WITCH of the freaking WEST. i screamed.
then, i learned all the fun things. blocking. worked on lines. more blocking. more working on lines. then the make up and costumes and props and sets (ha, styrofoam!) and then the whole show run throughs, all in preparation for the shows which i was beyond excited to be a part of.
when i look back on it, yes, the rehersals were fun. yes, the blocking was...well...blocking. but it wasnt until the costumes/makeup happened when everything started to become real fun.
my fondest memories take place in the makeup room during the fun times of before the run throughs/showtimes where everyone was in makeup chairs drinking gypsy tea to save our voices and using throat spray like it was candy. my fondest memories take place as my favorite make up people EVER coated me in green as my anxiety skyrocketed to whether i'd have enough time to get down to make my cue or not. more memories yet come from intermission where we crowded in the make up room for touch ups and swiped cookies not to mention oodles of crazy pictures like a few of these below:
these pictures represent just a FEW of the greatest memories i could ever have. i will ALWAYS look back at this show with some of the happiest memories of my life. times when after practice, we'd go to hunan and goof off like crazy idiots, me, dorothy and the tinman. times when we'd screw up the entire show on prank night by doing the whole first scene in gangsta lingo.
so...today...when i was flipping through the channels on television and ran across The Wizard of Oz, i couldn't help but feel my heart almost break. and so i decided to watch it, thinking i could handle it.
to my suprise, during "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," i burst into tears, crying some of the hardest i ever had. because when that song played, i remembered the last show. i remembered our dorothy's eyes watering as she sang it, and mine watering backstage as our tinman and lion and scarecrow prepared our crazy piece of crap wagon to bring onstage. i remember climbing onto my evil bike and blinking back tears realizing this was the last time any of this would be happeneing. that after this show, it was all over.
i realized... that anytime i hear this music, i'll think of our pit, of having OUR actor's voices talking over it. i'll never hear judy garland anymore...or any of the other actors.
i miss my family.
my oz family.
and i'd do anything to go back.
at least i can say i have some of the fondest memories i'll ever have.
and i'm glad i was once able to have a journey somewhere over the rainbow.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
everyone is all, "bullying, bullying, bullying. we need to stop bullying."
but that's only because kids have been killing themselves lately.
why does it take something like that to get people to open their eyes?
today in my advisory, we talked about bullying. watched a ridiculous video about it that our school media class made.
know something funny?
the people in the video were all popular. kids who DO the bullying.
isn't that ironic?
i found myself in rage when i watched a kid who bullies people all the time talk about how we should stop.
i found myself near tears when i heard two of the bullies in my class talk of how people need to not take things so seriously.
people who get offended easily haven't had it easy. there's a REASON why they take things personally and it's simply because in the past they've been hurt and their confidence has been ripped out.
"people are just joking"
well is it FUNNY?! who's laughing besides you!?
"people need to have some confidence."
well, that's hard when its been ripped out by people like you.
"they need to tell someone."
who wants to be the tattle tale? the moment they get in trouble, guess who gets teased even more? that's right. the 'tattle tale.'
people have this big idea of what they THINK bullying is.
they think it's slamming people into lockers and saying hurtful things to peoples faces.
that's elementary bullying.
when you get older, you learn how to TRULY bully people.
i'd rather be beaten black and blue than have a rumor started about me.
i'd rather be yelled at in my face than find out what my 'best friend' has been telling everyone.
i'd rather be dead than take all that abuse that eats away my innards until i'm nothing but a shell walking around in hopes that one day it'll all be over.
people don't GET bullying. they don't understand that bullying is as simple as saying behind someones back, "she's such a bitch."
bullying is as simple as, "did you see her invite herself to that party?"
bullying is as simple as, "she shouldn't be eating all that."
bullying is simple. its inside the box.
to truly stop bullying, everyone needs to open their eyes.
you don't know what can offend people when it all comes down to it because in all reality, you don't know what is going down behind closed doors.
maybe she's getting beaten and molested by her dad back home
maybe he's dealing drugs to save money for his mom
maybe she's cutting to deal with how worthless she feels
maybe he over eats because its the only thing he can control
maybe her parents fight nonstop until she falls asleep crying
maybe he's dying inside and nobody is noticing...
maybe its the end of the line for that person you're sitting next to and not paying one ounce of attention to.
its easy to be invisible.
but it's hard to pay attention.
if its one thing i've learned from all my experience with bullying, its that justice has nothing to do with it. you can tell all you want and they get slapped ovetr the hand.
"don't do that" they say.
but they do it anyways. just more carefully. they know when to because they know when theyre being watched.
truth of the matter you ask?
its this, so listen up.
truthfully, nobody fucking cares.
you can fight back when you get mad for all their rude comments and guess who gets the sympathy?
the kid with the black eye.
you can yell at someone for ripping your esteem out of your system and guess who gets the "its okays?"
the kid laughing as you yell.
you can do all you want to try and save yourself but in the end...
you give up.
THAT'S why people commit suicide from bullying.
its because they look at the world that's supposed to be there for them and catch them when they fall only to realize they're letting them slip between the spaces of their fingers.
would i commit suicide?
maybe. as of now, no.
but i've thought about it. and i know where the kids are coming from.
so to all those being bullied?
you aren't alone.
hang in there.
i know it's cliched and said a lot... but it'll get better.
i cant say when and i cant say how... but don't listen. numb your ears and close your eyes. focus on your family or a book or a movie or a song. focus on someone or something else. because when you're all alone... life is fucking hell. i've been there. sometimes i still AM there.
keep your chin up. and i know from experience that all it takes is for one person to truly care. to show interest. to show you're wanted.
YOU. ARE. AMAZING.
don't let ANYONE drag you down. if they need to pick on you to make themselves feel better, LET THEM because you're just HELPING them. then, go home and HELP YOURSELF. you're WORTH IT. to someone. TO ME. you're worth it to ME otherwise i wouldn't be sitting here wasting my time writing a blog about it.
you hear me?
YOU'RE WORTH IT TO ME.
this isn't the end. bullying will always be there to shove its finger in your face and tell you you're not worth it.
the trick? is listening to that one person out there who cares.
you never know who could just be waiting to listen.