I'm All MiXeD up.

i don't know how i feel right now.
the news is happy. the news is freakaleaking grand.
and here i sit. feeling my heart break.

i have never been able to entirely explain my feelings.
in a way, i am happy. it's all they wanted. its all they could want and get.
but... in the same way i am jealous. which is dumb cuz i'm pretty young to be jealous. but with how screwed up my system is... i may never be as lucky as they're about to be. and it'll kill me. if i cant get it myself.
and...
and more so...
i'm sad.
cuz i know this will be the staple in the relationship. not that i ever really had a chance anyways.

i want to fly.
i want to fly the sky and see the world from the clouds. i want to be wise and know the things others dont. i want god to point his finger and show me where to go and tell me why in whispers through all my dreams...

i want to be known all around the world.
i want to be loved and to love...

maybe it really bothers me so much because i want to keep them to myself. a small little hope that i'll be lucky enuf to get a shot...b ut i can't so idk why i'm fretting. i didn't have a chance.
i just know everyone has to grow up. everyone gets married and has a family.
but why them? why do people have to grow up?
i just... don't get it.

why?

i gues si don't know what any of this means... and i'll probably delete this blog later. but i felt like i needed to express this.