I wanna hold onto the things I so desperately can't.
I want to breathe in an take a breather and calm the fuck down.

But sometimes- that isn't an option and my anxiety thinks otherwise.

I've always been an open book. Needed people more than I need air just because I've been alone my whole life otherwise. Clinging to comments that make me feel worth something, comments I don't otherwise hear. And this gets me in trouble along with my depression. I get kicked out of things and lose friends becasue I'm so bloddy depressed.

And I don't think people understand depression.

Because when somebody is depressed...the last thing that person needs is to be left alone and to lose everyone. They want to feel loved just like everyone else. But I know I'm a lot to deal with. In many cases, I try my bloody best to slap on a smile and walk around making jokes and random comments as much as possible. It's why eveeryone at work likes when I'm working. I'm a good actress.

But sometimes, I make the mistake of telling people how I feel, and it pisses them off more than ever leaving me alone to sit and think over and over what I did wrong. To think over an over what the eff my problem is. To think over and over why I let that slip and lost something really good that I work hard to keep.

I never mean to hurt anyone in anyway. To make anyone cry as much as I do over them. To hurt anyone feelings. To Stab anyone in the back. I try really hard to make everyone happy, because a lot of the time, I'm not happy myself. And if I can make someone happy- my depression calms down a bit. If I have someone by my side, it's possible to get thru it.

Maybe people need space and I need to respect that.
But being alone hurts really bad. And it's something I've had too much experience with.