Wednesday, April 13, 2011


i have spent TOO MUCH MONEY.
i still need money for gas
i need to somehow find a green t-shirt for tomorrow
i need to buy black capris and a black shirt for grease
i need to have money to pay caleb back for the over 100 dollars i owe him
i need to have money to pay for dinner at prom
i need to have money to pay my mom for my cellphone bill

i paid 107 bucks today to get my car out of a ditch
i paid 5 bucks for my lunch because i can't eat here at school and stick to my diet
i paid 6 bucks for food for someone who i love dearly but i can't afford it right now and when i volunteered, i could.
i paid money for my grease tshirt
i paid money for my grease script
i paid money for my grease jacket
i paid money for freaking EVERYTHING and it just keeps getting worse.

on the other hand,
i like these people with girlfriends and they are quite happy with them so WHY do i bother?
i'll TELL you why i bother. i bother because in one case, his girlfriend treats him like SHIT. she is a HORRIBLE girlfriend. she teases him, she tells him what to do, she has him WHIPPED and he doesn't do anything about it. he just goes a long with it and i BET you i can tell you why.
i bet he does it because he is COMFORTABLE just like everyone else i know in screwed up relationships.
"Oh, we've been together for years, so that must mean i should just TAKE IT."

the other i don't really have a reason for i guess. but it's just frustrating.

all these people can get boyfriends and girlfriends and whatever and be happy
and here i am
losing weight so i can look SEMI-ATTRACTIVE
working my BUTT OFF trying to make myself better in every aspect
i'm a nice person
i care a lot about people
nobody wants anything to do with me because i'm always some friend. just the friend. the funny one. the NOBODY.

in other news,
i'm ALWAYS sick.
in the past three weeks, i've had
a sinus infection
an ear infection
strep throat
AND pink eye.
now, i can't hear out of my left ear properly, and the left side of my throat KILLS any time i swallow and any time i talk or yawn or basically EXIST.

WHY. seriously. why. everything i plan... it gets jumbled and stupid and confused and i just feel like i'm lost and alone and nobody cares.
my depression has started to act up again and i'm not gonna lie when i say i've fought off those urges so many times telling myself,
people in grease will notice.
my mom will notice
everyone will notice and i'll just get YELLED at like i always do and nobody will help me. nobody ever helps me.

it's like i've disapeared and i'm struggling.

i just don't understand why nobody wants to help or notices to help.
what's worse, is yesterday i realized i don't have any kind of confidant.
everyone that i have been close to is either out of reach, we've faded in our relationships or some other stupid reason. i have nobody to tell all this to and nobody who will understand all of it.

i just don't know what to do.

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