I'm All MiXeD up.

i don't know how i feel right now.
the news is happy. the news is freakaleaking grand.
and here i sit. feeling my heart break.

i have never been able to entirely explain my feelings.
in a way, i am happy. it's all they wanted. its all they could want and get.
but... in the same way i am jealous. which is dumb cuz i'm pretty young to be jealous. but with how screwed up my system is... i may never be as lucky as they're about to be. and it'll kill me. if i cant get it myself.
and...
and more so...
i'm sad.
cuz i know this will be the staple in the relationship. not that i ever really had a chance anyways.

i want to fly.
i want to fly the sky and see the world from the clouds. i want to be wise and know the things others dont. i want god to point his finger and show me where to go and tell me why in whispers through all my dreams...

i want to be known all around the world.
i want to be loved and to love...

maybe it really bothers me so much because i want to keep them to myself. a small little hope that i'll be lucky enuf to get a shot...b ut i can't so idk why i'm fretting. i didn't have a chance.
i just know everyone has to grow up. everyone gets married and has a family.
but why them? why do people have to grow up?
i just... don't get it.

why?

i gues si don't know what any of this means... and i'll probably delete this blog later. but i felt like i needed to express this.

Through Shutters

through shutters
i see him
the way i imagine him
the way i'd like him to be.

through blinders i listen
to the words of the wind
promising things to me.

through shutters i see him
jagged and shaken
with every step he takes.

through blinders i listen
and see the vision
i clearly know is fake.



written by Lindsey Johnston on the 21st of November, 2010

Fond Memories.

Ever have that memory that never really goes away?
the kind of experience where you find a family that you love almost more than your own family? where you look at your life NOW compared to how it was THEN and think... "I'd do anything to go back and relive that month OVER AND OVER again..."?
i do.
Welcome to "The Wizard of Oz," presented by my local community theatre on October 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9, and 10th. This was my very first community theatre performance. being in this is probably... 4th on my list:

6.)Prarie Fire Theatre

5.)High School Theatre

4.)Community Theatre

3.)Le Hommideu (spelling sucks) Theatre

2.)Guthrie/Ordway/Orphieum type Theatre

1.)Broadway/Movies

so when i was cast as Miss Gultch/The Wicked Witch (yea, the green one :D), it was almost like a dream coming true!

now- i've had other dreams come true. for example:
being in carolers! for TWO YEARS which is HARD when you're a girl! note the picture on the right. NOTE: i'm the one in the teal in the front row

so that was definitely a dream come true. but this year was all about being in the AAAA. and as a LEAD. when i walked into that audition, i expected to be like, a munchkin or something because i'm 5'1" but instead, i found out that i was cast as THE WICKED WITCH of the freaking WEST. i screamed.

then, i learned all the fun things. blocking. worked on lines. more blocking. more working on lines. then the make up and costumes and props and sets (ha, styrofoam!) and then the whole show run throughs, all in preparation for the shows which i was beyond excited to be a part of.

when i look back on it, yes, the rehersals were fun. yes, the blocking was...well...blocking. but it wasnt until the costumes/makeup happened when everything started to become real fun.

my fondest memories take place in the makeup room during the fun times of before the run throughs/showtimes where everyone was in makeup chairs drinking gypsy tea to save our voices and using throat spray like it was candy. my fondest memories take place as my favorite make up people EVER coated me in green as my anxiety skyrocketed to whether i'd have enough time to get down to make my cue or not. more memories yet come from intermission where we crowded in the make up room for touch ups and swiped cookies not to mention oodles of crazy pictures like a few of these below:

these pictures represent just a FEW of the greatest memories i could ever have. i will ALWAYS look back at this show with some of the happiest memories of my life. times when after practice, we'd go to hunan and goof off like crazy idiots, me, dorothy and the tinman. times when we'd screw up the entire show on prank night by doing the whole first scene in gangsta lingo.

so...today...when i was flipping through the channels on television and ran across The Wizard of Oz, i couldn't help but feel my heart almost break. and so i decided to watch it, thinking i could handle it.

to my suprise, during "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," i burst into tears, crying some of the hardest i ever had. because when that song played, i remembered the last show. i remembered our dorothy's eyes watering as she sang it, and mine watering backstage as our tinman and lion and scarecrow prepared our crazy piece of crap wagon to bring onstage. i remember climbing onto my evil bike and blinking back tears realizing this was the last time any of this would be happeneing. that after this show, it was all over.

i realized... that anytime i hear this music, i'll think of our pit, of having OUR actor's voices talking over it. i'll never hear judy garland anymore...or any of the other actors.

i miss my family.

my oz family.

and i'd do anything to go back.

at least i can say i have some of the fondest memories i'll ever have.

and i'm glad i was once able to have a journey somewhere over the rainbow.

Bullying Overkill?

i'm really sick of the bullying issue that's going around.
everyone is all, "bullying, bullying, bullying. we need to stop bullying."
but that's only because kids have been killing themselves lately.

why does it take something like that to get people to open their eyes?

today in my advisory, we talked about bullying. watched a ridiculous video about it that our school media class made.
know something funny?
the people in the video were all popular. kids who DO the bullying.
isn't that ironic?

i found myself in rage when i watched a kid who bullies people all the time talk about how we should stop.
i found myself near tears when i heard two of the bullies in my class talk of how people need to not take things so seriously.

know something?
people who get offended easily haven't had it easy. there's a REASON why they take things personally and it's simply because in the past they've been hurt and their confidence has been ripped out.
"people are just joking"
well is it FUNNY?! who's laughing besides you!?
"people need to have some confidence."
well, that's hard when its been ripped out by people like you.
"they need to tell someone."
who wants to be the tattle tale? the moment they get in trouble, guess who gets teased even more? that's right. the 'tattle tale.'

people have this big idea of what they THINK bullying is.
they think it's slamming people into lockers and saying hurtful things to peoples faces.
that's elementary bullying.
when you get older, you learn how to TRULY bully people.
i'd rather be beaten black and blue than have a rumor started about me.
i'd rather be yelled at in my face than find out what my 'best friend' has been telling everyone.
i'd rather be dead than take all that abuse that eats away my innards until i'm nothing but a shell walking around in hopes that one day it'll all be over.

people don't GET bullying. they don't understand that bullying is as simple as saying behind someones back, "she's such a bitch."
bullying is as simple as, "did you see her invite herself to that party?"
bullying is as simple as, "she shouldn't be eating all that."
bullying is simple. its inside the box.

to truly stop bullying, everyone needs to open their eyes.
you don't know what can offend people when it all comes down to it because in all reality, you don't know what is going down behind closed doors.
maybe she's getting beaten and molested by her dad back home
maybe he's dealing drugs to save money for his mom
maybe she's cutting to deal with how worthless she feels
maybe he over eats because its the only thing he can control
maybe her parents fight nonstop until she falls asleep crying
maybe he's dying inside and nobody is noticing...
maybe its the end of the line for that person you're sitting next to and not paying one ounce of attention to.

its easy to be invisible.
but it's hard to pay attention.

if its one thing i've learned from all my experience with bullying, its that justice has nothing to do with it. you can tell all you want and they get slapped ovetr the hand.
"don't do that" they say.
but they do it anyways. just more carefully. they know when to because they know when theyre being watched.

truth of the matter you ask?
its this, so listen up.
nobody cares.
truthfully, nobody fucking cares.
you can fight back when you get mad for all their rude comments and guess who gets the sympathy?
the kid with the black eye.
you can yell at someone for ripping your esteem out of your system and guess who gets the "its okays?"
the kid laughing as you yell.
you can do all you want to try and save yourself but in the end...
you give up.
THAT'S why people commit suicide from bullying.
its because they look at the world that's supposed to be there for them and catch them when they fall only to realize they're letting them slip between the spaces of their fingers.

would i commit suicide?
maybe. as of now, no.
but i've thought about it. and i know where the kids are coming from.

so to all those being bullied?
you aren't alone.
hang in there.
i know it's cliched and said a lot... but it'll get better.
eventually.
i cant say when and i cant say how... but don't listen. numb your ears and close your eyes. focus on your family or a book or a movie or a song. focus on someone or something else. because when you're all alone... life is fucking hell. i've been there. sometimes i still AM there.
keep your chin up. and i know from experience that all it takes is for one person to truly care. to show interest. to show you're wanted.
YOU. ARE. AMAZING.
don't let ANYONE drag you down. if they need to pick on you to make themselves feel better, LET THEM because you're just HELPING them. then, go home and HELP YOURSELF. you're WORTH IT. to someone. TO ME. you're worth it to ME otherwise i wouldn't be sitting here wasting my time writing a blog about it.
you hear me?
YOU'RE WORTH IT TO ME.

this isn't the end. bullying will always be there to shove its finger in your face and tell you you're not worth it.
the trick? is listening to that one person out there who cares.

you never know who could just be waiting to listen.

love,
Lindsey

Feelings.

i have no one to talk to who REALLY gets it.

either, i can't complain to them cuz i feel guilty cuz their life is WAY worse than mine...
or we aren't close anymore
or they don't understand
or they start yelling at me cuz they don't understand
or they simply just don't understand.
or they say i'm crazy.

sure. imma crazy. i hate being ignored and IMMA crazy. i hate being jealous and IMMA crazy. i hate being alone inside my room crying until fucking 1 am every morning and IMMA CRAZY!

i can't let anyone know how i feel. i can't even tell myself.

i can't tell god cuz i keep doubting he's there. which is dumb... but i can't help it.

i can't tell my mom cuz she's a sad sack of complaints and always has to have a worse life than me even when all i need is a hug.

i can't tell anyone. cuz i don't even know what i'd say.

i just know i feel like going away. vanishing. not existing. because if i didn't exist, everything would be more simple.

the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.
i know i'm good for something i just havent found it yet
and i need it.

wings wouldn't help me. swinging wouldn't help me. nothing would help me cuz nothing makes sense anymore.

i looked at a paper and a pen i was holding the other day and i couldn't find ONE WORD to write down. i've tried writing poems, and stories and anything else i can find... and i can't find anything.

its like i look inside myself... and there's nothing left. nothing left that is tangable or able to be put into words.

and i have no one to go to. i don't have anyone who understands and not because they're bad friends or anything even CLOSE to that. its just... i don't know how i'm feeling.

hopeless
broken
worthless
alone
unloved
uncared for
waste of space
unwanted

all of the above and more.




its funny how one event can trigger a feeling.
or multiple for that matter. how one thing can make you suddenly feel like there really is nothing better than this and nothing left to live for or strive towards.

its funny how i can not wish to die.... but simply to disapear for a day and have no obligations. no homework. no play. no carolers. no choir. no work. no sleep. no anything.
no memories to hold me down
no feelings to keep me stuck in some rut.
just nothing.
absolutely nothing.

a blank mind.
a blank canvas.
a blank everything.

because if there's nothing to think about
and no people to influence me
or anything.
things are fine.
everything will be fine.....


"Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and i feel so ugly. i know i am. i must be. whenever my friends and i go out and we meet a guy he always likes my friend. sometimes i don't even like him, i just want him to like me because they never do.

i don't know what's so ugly about me. when i look in the mirror i always think i look okay. but nobody else ever does. which means i must be really repulsively ugly and i'm just too concieted to see it.

this one time i was walking down the street with my friends in my nice clothes and this car drove past and these 2 guys yelled out the window, 'needs a diet and a haircut!' they made me want to crawl into a hole and never show my face again.
just never show my ugly face again."
-my monologue from theatre

there isn't much left to hold onto anymore.

how do you hold onto the intangeable? when everything else fades away and you're simply left with yourself... how do you survive?

thats it. you don't.
and maybe i shouldn't either.

All I Ever Wanted

It's eating at my brain 
At my soul. 
At my skin.
Tearing thick flesh from the sanity that once held it together. 
A deep breath cannot turn time back or take back the steps I took so boldly in the direction I never knew would bring us here. 
Bring us to destruction and thorough baronness that surrounded every mistake I ever tried to forget. 
I lost the things I worked for
And I longed for the past with each footstep I made on her heart. 
All I ever wanted
Needed
Yearned for
Was in the love I once saw so clearly. It stared me in the face to my soul and back and I knew it was true no matter the selfish doubts my untamed lips spewed. 
It tore us apart. 
My unkept secrets to the trembling of a hidden hand. 
The quickened thumps of a heartbeat. 
And maybe that's all we'll ever be. 
Memories. 
Things I hold onto tighter than gold or life. 
Memories- The one thing that won't change on me. 
Because I ruin everything else. 
But a memory- you can't touch a memory. 

Thus- I can't ruin all we had. 
I can only ruin what we have. 
Which sadly, is now nothing. 

I no longer yearn to strangle words from you or to beg for the three words I know won't pass your lips for me anymore. No matter how hard it pulls at my heartstrings, I must learn to accept that sad consequence. 

:: 

All I ever wanted I had for a short time. Etched on every wall it will remain. Memories of things I so long to return to. But can't. 

Oh how I love to hold the intangable. 

June.

This tree, once rich with honey
once strong by nature
once beautiful by wind and bursts of laughter
has sunken with the sun.
It's leaves, once lush with dew
now cloud earth's ground with flakey amber
with dusty color.
And everlasting dull
that succumbed the tree.
It's limbs extend outward
to maybe graze the blue sky with the tips of it's fingers...
They're bare. Unable to thrive.
And in the middle of the heated day
that surrounds it on this morn
haunts every hope of an oncoming birth.
For it's hot
and humid
and sticky with dry laughter
yet it's bloom never arives
amidst the sun of June.

Nobody's Perfect.

You know how that saying that Hannah Montana way over used in her song? That line that goes, "Everybody makes mistakes/everybody has those days." you know. The song, "Nobody's Perfect." 

I think that songs wrong. 

I think, there are those people out there that really DONT make mistakes. Mistakes just happen to them. They don't cause them, but they are the ones the mistakes happen to and effect. 

I feel this way...because I've met someone like that. 
A great girl. Big heart. Huge love. One of the most loving and kindest people one could....ever meet. But all these things happened to her. Things she didn't do. 

Know how in 6th grade they teach you cause and effect? 
She was always the effect. 
Never the cause. 
So she NEVER made a mistake. She was always the result of a mistake somebody ELSE made. I think I've pounded that in your head, yes? 

Just found out she died. 
Ya, Courtney, my friend from kindergarten, was once again the effect.  

We hadn't talked since our last pen pal convo in 4th grade. She moved when her dad got a divorce against her mom. Not her fault. But she had to move so her mom could take a job and moved the summer going into 1st grade. 

Needless to say, that girl was so sweet. Been in foster care. We knew the stories. Especially my "group" we had one wednesday a month to talk about hard things. My mom had put me in there cuz my dad and her fought 24/7/365. And.... My dad has this liver disease. But Courtney... Was always so serene. So calm. So positive. I didn't understand. 

I remember she had these scratches on her arm. Bruises even, but more than the average  We were taking snow clothes off, and it was after I punched a kid in the face (big huge Nate now, but he was tiny and chubby back in the day) and she was there so we went to the office. She took her snow clothes off and and i noticed. But she smiled and shrugged it off. 

I still dunno what those were from.... 

Courtney used to be by my side when I got picked on. Stood up for me when my blocks were knocked over. Helped me with whiteboard alphabet activies I have vague memories of doing under a table. 

She was one great girl. But bad things happened to her. She was always a consequence to somebody's ridiculous mistake. 

So when I found out.... 
That it was a car crash she hadn't caused. Stupid idiot ran a stop sign and t-boned her... 
I thought back to Hannah Montana. (unfortunately) 

Everybody makes mistakes. 
Everybody has those days. 
Nobody's perfect. 

Somebody didn't make mistakes, oh Miss Hannah. She wasn't perfect, but she didn't make mistakes. 

And now she's gone. 
Sad effect. 

::

So in retrospect, what if I am one big mistake? I think about this a lot. 

When my parents fight over how to raise me. How my mom thinks this and dad that and bicker bicker bicker throwing phones, missing moms, phone calls to cops and screaming fits and suicide threats. 

All cuz of me. 
All about me. 

So what If I'm the mistake? 
Hell, if I wasn't born, my dad could go back to being some drunk druggie and my mom to being alone like she always wanted as she tells me. If I wasn't born, mom could have broke up with him. Divorced him and been happy like she isn't Now. 

Or.... 
When I get good things and screw them up cuz of 
My pessimisim
My attitude
Sarcasm
Clinginess
Stupidity
Selfishness
The list goes on, really. 

So maybe, Miss Montana, that song was written for me. 

But what about those out there, who THINK they're the mistake when they're the effect of somebody elses? 

Well, I wish I knew the answer to that. 

In any case, 
RIP Courtney. Kindergarten buddy.  

I wanna hold onto the things I so desperately can't.
I want to breathe in an take a breather and calm the fuck down.

But sometimes- that isn't an option and my anxiety thinks otherwise.

I've always been an open book. Needed people more than I need air just because I've been alone my whole life otherwise. Clinging to comments that make me feel worth something, comments I don't otherwise hear. And this gets me in trouble along with my depression. I get kicked out of things and lose friends becasue I'm so bloddy depressed.

And I don't think people understand depression.

Because when somebody is depressed...the last thing that person needs is to be left alone and to lose everyone. They want to feel loved just like everyone else. But I know I'm a lot to deal with. In many cases, I try my bloody best to slap on a smile and walk around making jokes and random comments as much as possible. It's why eveeryone at work likes when I'm working. I'm a good actress.

But sometimes, I make the mistake of telling people how I feel, and it pisses them off more than ever leaving me alone to sit and think over and over what I did wrong. To think over an over what the eff my problem is. To think over and over why I let that slip and lost something really good that I work hard to keep.

I never mean to hurt anyone in anyway. To make anyone cry as much as I do over them. To hurt anyone feelings. To Stab anyone in the back. I try really hard to make everyone happy, because a lot of the time, I'm not happy myself. And if I can make someone happy- my depression calms down a bit. If I have someone by my side, it's possible to get thru it.

Maybe people need space and I need to respect that.
But being alone hurts really bad. And it's something I've had too much experience with.

I Need A Wish

I wish I didn't fear.
I wish I wasn't so afraid of losing you.
I wish I didn't fear my love for you. That it could get thrown in my face.
I wish you'd never leave me.
I wish I could fly and let life fall behind me.

I wish I could get out feelings.
I wish I wasn't judged.
I wish you loved me like I love you.
I wish I didn't need so much.

I wish I wasn't selfish.
I wish I couldn't cry.
I wish I wasn't confused.
I wish I wasn't so clingy.

I wish I didn't freak out over everything.
I wish I didn't doubt or assume.
I wish I could take life for what it is.

I wish I could write a good blog for once in a blue moon.

Pretty Pointless Blog

I really tried to write a good blog today. But I can't find words anymore.
Not as myself.

I wanted to write this blog about my paranoia. But everything I wrote was too personal and almost Hurt me to even write down.
Then I wanted to write this blog about my feelings on doubt. That was once again, too personal.
Then I wanted to write a blog about love.
But i've DONE that before.
So now I'm writing a blog, for lack of words.

It's like everything I write on this blog is too personal. Something that if someone reads, won't accept and will leave me.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of myself. That I'll drive everyone away.

Maybe I give too much of myself to people for them to hold on to.
Maybe I'm too possesive and maybe I should be more careful.
Maybe I need to give a shorter string of me to hold onto. But at this point, I'm not changing.
This is who I've grown up to me. Beautiful or not. This is what I am.
Paranoid.
Anxiety.
Scared.
Rejected.
Loved- I think.
Depressed.
Happy.
Stable and unstable.

You know how in Hercules they have those life strings?
And if they cut it, the person the strings life represents, dies?
Sometimes I feel like that's me. Waiting to be cut.
And if I get cut...cut out of something. I can't lose those who are very important to me.
If you're in my top five...I cant lose you.

I don't know what this blog is about.

I guess, as Megara said,
"People do crazy things when they're in love."

Shout It Out

i saw people doing this on deviant art. and since i can't draw for my life, i'll do it here.

SHOUT IT OUT.

i am ugly. and fat. it's a problem. and no matter how much people tell me i'm not, i still look in the mirror and hate everything i see.

i love to sing. choir is my passion and i might die without at LEAST four part harmony.

i love rainbows. they make my heart smile. along with llamas.

i'm paranoid. if you suddenly stop talking to me, i assume the worst.

i need to feel loved. otherwise i feel like a worthless sack of potatoes.

i still sleep with a pink security blanket which i call "he." He, my blanky, is also gay.

i love gay men.

i can get depressed easily. sometimes from myself.

i'm a people pleaser. i love to compliment and make others feel the way i can't. good about themselves.

i cry for stupid things.

i can only draw stereotypical stick figures

i write too much when i dont need to. then those days come where i need to vent and my paper remains blank

i resist the urges to say "I Love You."

i love hugs so ridiculously much

i need a life

i could crawl into a hole right now and cry and be happier that way.

depression is very much a physical thing for me. same with anxiety. they go hand in hand in my world and i hate it.

i'm scared at the moment

i will stay up late to please other people, even if i REALLY don't want to.

if you annoy me once, chances are you will be on the "annoying" list for all of eternity.

i'm usually a pretty good forgiver. depending on your offense.

i'm a hypocrite. and i hate that.

when i get anxiety attackes, theyre usually caused by other people. i shake, my heart races, and i have trouble breathing right. and during them? i usually get mondo depressed and reach out for help from a friend.

i depend on people

my past affected me hardcore into all i am today.

my mom can be my best friend of EVER EVER EVER but she thinks too highly of me.
other times, she hates me ALMOST as much as i hate myself. i have yet to have a steady week with her. but maybe that's just teenage life and hormones.

i have a very bad potty mouth.
and really? in person, i try VERY VERY hard to control it and sensor it.
when i'm writing?
good luck sensoring me.

can you tell my confidence is poop?

Tis My Story

Sometimes, my Mother drives me insane.

i walk downstairs and get yelled at because i want some turkey.
she told me i take advantage of her.
and i dont. i try to help.
but she always says no when i try to.

did you know i hate people like that?
the ones who tell me i should help them more, then when i offer, they say no.
and it happens a lot to me.
"you need to help me more"
"okay."
when i ask for help?
"no. its fine. i dont want ur help."

"you need to listen to me more."
"okay."
when i offer to listen to their problems?
"no, its fine. i dont want to talk about it. "

"you need to be happy more."
"okay."
when i am happy?
it isnt even noticed.

i dont understand what the eff i'm supposed to do when people say these things.
i dont want to call it hypocricy... but i dunno.

my mom is irritating. she always yells at me and tells me that i suck pretty much. we have our moments and stuff, but a lot of the time, we just fight like CRAZY. and i just dont get it. i dont understand why she seems to hate me so much.
she makes me question things. and i dont get it.

i dont get her.
i think she has some kind of disorder or SOMETHING that makes her how she is. so moody.
and she's WAY past menopause, so dont even suggest that.
she has to make everything dramatic.
gahhhhhhhhhh
okay. thats my story.

I'm a Name

Who are you?
Lindsey.
that seems like the easiest question in the world.
but its more loaded than that.
who are you means...more than your name. we are not defined by a name.
that is merely... a label of some sort.

So let's try this again.

Who are you?
I'm a dreamer.
i'm a liver, a breather, a sinner, a saint.
i'm a heart beat, i'm a nothing
i'm a something.
i'm... a particle. i'm an atom. i'm a body in a sea of bodies.
i'm a grain of sand on the beach.
i'm an idea
i'm a believer
i'm a doubter and a follower.
a leader.
i'm a voice
i'm a whisper
i'm a file in a cabinet.
i'm a ray from the sun,
i'm the air that we share.
i'm a singer
i'm a dancer
i'm a romanticist
in more ways than one
i'm a writer
i'm clingy
i'm attached
i'm alone
i'm happy
i'm sad
i'm a thinker
i'm a sleeper
i'm a comic
i'm a laugh
i'm a giggle
i'm a chuckle and a smirk.
i'm caucasion
i'm irish
i'm italian
i'm reader
i'm a name.
i'm a face
i'm a pair of eyes and ears.
i'm a nose and a tongue
i'm a soul
i'm a name
i'm a heart
i'm a lung
i'm a name
i'm a raindrop in an ocean
i'm a name
i'm a lover
i'm a name
i'm a name
sometimes, i am only a name.

but other times, i am all those other things.
i am more than a name
than a face
than a body.
i am a soul.

and one day...
i will find someone like me.
and things will be okay.

Swings

Swings are the closest thing we have to flying. and believe me, i want to fly.

most of these blogs, will be me complaining, funny stories, and my commentary on life.
which means i have no time to capitalize, to fix grammar, or so much care about it.
its life.
and life shouldnt be edited.

i love to swing.
when i was a little girl, i was all about swingin during recess. maybe cuz i didnt have friends, maybe cuz i liked to close my eyes and just go where i can.
my imagination.

and until recently, i hadnt swung for quite some time.
it wasnt until our high school musical (nope, not HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL, we did "Singing in the Rain.") that i went swinging with a friend from the cast before i realized WHY i loved to sing.

because i loved to fly.

i loved to feel the wind beneath my feet, the cool air hit my skin, i loved to close my eyes and feel...
free.

lately, all i want to do is swing.
but life seems to consume.
school drama
internet drama
love drama
work drama (ya, there is drama at mcdonalds)
hell, LIFE drama.

but when you think about it, life is just one big drama.
so there is no suprise.

the closer i get to college, the closer i feel like i'm slipping away. like, soon i wont be me anymore, but i'll be...
some old, boring...woman.
i like being a girl. a little kid.
but who doesnt? life is almost easier that way. well, kindergarten and preschool.

lately, i've been having some attachement issues.
to the person i'm dating who happens to have someone else they are already dating.
so there is ONE strike for me.
this person, also happens to live far from me, so it is an internet relationship.
strike two.
and did i mention i met this person thru the one they're dating?
strike three. i'm out.

and things are usually okay between us, but i always want to talk to them. but thats hard when you throw time differences in there.
internet relationships are very hard.

they keep saying, since i'm getting "clingy" that my heart isnt in it then...but that isnt the case at all. not one bit.
i love them a lot. and i know my heart is in it.
but how can you be confident about someone's love when you are competeing for it? sharing it with someone?
what if they wake up one day and i'm not there so they leave me?
the thoughts that go through my mind are endless.

and my friends are sick of it.
well, my best friend is.
i keep annoying her. i already screwed up our relationship, i cant keep doing it by being a whiner.
part of the reason why i got this blog. so i can just let loose all this stuff i have to get out somewhere, and hope someone reads it and doesnt hate me within like, two minutes of reading my words.

i guess, i'm confused. i want them for myself,
that's human nature... we're all always jealous. find the need for it to be OURS.
MINE.
YOURS.
OURS.
such possesive words. like a little stamp to put on things...the territorial respect at least.

so i find myself wanting to swing.
to just, be able to close my mind and fly without a care or thought in the world.
no homework
no school
no friends
no love
no drama
no life
no nothing.
just the wind, just the world.
just the world and me, completely at peace.
and it's hard. very hard...but no one said life would be easy.

i dont think ANYTHING is easy.
i mean, lets think,
maybe algebra is easy for me.
maybe algebra is hard for you.
or maybe science is easy for you
and hard for me.
or any subject, any anything.

nothing is truly "easy" because everything is hard for SOMEONE.
and life is the hardest thing in the world, isnt it? people give up everyday, then there are some people who push on thru miserably, like my mom, and then there are some people who learn to love life. the optimists. the ones who realize things suck, but some things rock.
that's life.
and i suppose we all strive to be great and strive to be happy, its why we are selfish and do things for our own gain.

so maybe that's why i allow myself to date someone who is technically already taken.
because it makes me happy to feel loved.
it makes me happy to be somebody's and to be able to say i have someone i'm dating.

its something i've never been able to have before, because i've never been wanted.
maybe that's why. cuz i really want to be wanted.
we all want to be wanted.

all in all,
life is one big swing.
sometimes, you can just fly on thru life, but there are always those times when its hard to keep pumping your legs.
but you just gotta keep doing it.
so i suppose...
i'll keep on swinging.